Wilford Brimley

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Wilford Brimley was a Featured Word on 6/5/07.
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Wilford Brimley
is a friend an acquaintance of "The Colbert Report"
The Report has no friends...


Mr. Brimley's cat, Diabeetus.

DPT1125 1030524174308

Just look at that punim. That's a real American.

Wilford Brimley is Stephen Colbert's mentor. He has the diabetes, pronounced "The diabeet-us".

About WilfordEdit

Wilford is also an avid horse rider. He has won numerous jumping and riding awards including The Stephen and Melinda Gates Foundation's prestigious 'Barrel Racers Award of Excellence in General Barrel Racing.' Because of the diabetes, however, Wilford now has trouble dismounting his steed.

Quote open clear3 I'm going to get off my horse now, onto a smaller horse. Then onto a large dog, until I'm near enough to the ground to roll off. Quote close clear2
~Wilford Brimley



Not Wilford Brimley

Brimley is popularly known by his other official name, the Quaker Oats Guy, even though he prefers waffles. This is due to the fact that he used to star in the Quaker Oats TV commercials. Please don't confuse that with the Quaker Oats Man, Barbara Bush.

During The Vietnam WarEdit

During one of his late-night calls to Stephen, Mr. Brimley revealed he was in harm's way as a rodeo clown. While a private in Vietnam, Wilford Brimley, nickname, Traffic Scunion, accepted nickels in exchange for a kick in the nuts to earn extra money. Episode #376

Mentorship Of StephenEdit

Stephen first met Wilford on the set of The Firm where Stephen performed the highly coveted job of shaving Brimley's back.

Stephen once had to wire money to him in Mexico in the middle of the night because Wilford bet on the wrong cock - like Stephen, he's a cockthusiast. Wilford Brimley takes a daily post-workout meal of Tums, goats milk, and whale blubber.

On The PhoneEdit

Wilford Brimley
dialed up "The Colbert Report " as an On The Phone guest
and got nailed in the process.

Wilford's tendency to call the taped Colbert household phone between one and three in the morning has been described as at least mildly amusing, but has been called annoying and even inconsiderate by sources who refuse to be named (which leads the logical reader to assume that they were bears). The real reason is that, in Wilford's own words, "that's when I'm available." He's just "trying to keep the friendship alive."

However, that begs one to ask the question: what exactly occupies Wilford's time all through the sunlit hours? The answer lies in most prescription drug commercials. If you've ever heard the phrase "new discovery" pertaining to a drug, you may be inclined to attribute it to "research." In actuality, they just hire Wilford to pry the secret from its ancient immortal guardians, generally a trio of twelve-foot tall bulletproof grizzlies. Of course, his horse-riding and lasso skills make him perfect, especially since they can just pay him in oatmeal. No brown sugar, though. He's got the diabetes.

Redefines Masculinity for the Elderly and The DiabeticalEdit

I once saw a movie where Brimley said he got a boner. To do that at his elevated age, clearly is a sign of manliness and virility.


Taft brimley

Real American Heroes: Taft (Left), Brimley (Right)

Wilford Brimley is a big fan of Republican President William Taft, so much so that he even alters his apperance to look more like the famed president.

External TubesEdit

Baby Jesus
Wilford Brimley
Makes The Baby Jesus™ Happy
And that Makes Stephen happy, too!

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