|People Who Are in Cults|
While slightly more credible than Scientologists, Wicca was founded by Gerald Gardner in the 1930's or 40's, depending on who you ask. Despite Gardner's supposed magical powers, he failed to so much as cure his own asthma. It is also amusing to note that his own wife never converted to Wicca and continued going to the local Anglican Church her entire life; Gardner's schism may have rocked the nation, but it also ensured that he would never have sex again. God 1, Garder 0.
The Wicca belief system is centered around the ability to create magick. However, only two beings have the capability of producing magic(k), The Baby Jesus and Stephen Colbert. Wiccans claim to obtain their magic from their baby feasting rituals.
Twice a year, members of this bearish cult gather during the Democratic National Convention to begin their savage hunt. With bears as their pets, Wiccans steal innocent baby Republicans for their feast, while foolishly leaving the Democrat babies alone.
International House of WitchesEdit
Types of WiccansEdit
- Fat Pagan Chicks
- Fluffy Bunnies
- gay/fake British Wiccas
- goth Wiccas
- People who've read way too much Neil Gaiman
- Incredibly sexy real Wiccans like Willow Rosenberg
Common Wicca beliefsEdit
- Gay marriage should be legal.
- Abortion should be legal.
- All living creatures have rights (except for unborn babies).
- Bears are good for humanity.
- The Baby Jesus was actually a Jew.
- Men love to talk after sex.
- God has no religion, but loves to dress like a goth chick.
- Women's armpits are meant to be hairy.
As a general rule, Wiccans meet deep in the forest, where the bears live, or in the back room of the local independent book store. They then get naked and dance around. This wouldn't be so bad if they would just watch their weight a little and wear real makeup instead of boot polish.
Stabbing themselves in the foot by the pale moons light.
In recent years Wiccans have also liked to meet online, and have infested the appropriately named Wikip*dia. There they spew out liberal filth and pollute the world with facty nonsense. The lure of Wicca is clearly strong and evil, and should be considered a major threat to America.
- Samhain (Hallowe'en or Baby Satan's birthday)
- Imbolc (Groundhog Day)
- Beltane (May Day)
- Lughnasadh (August 1st)
- Yule (Christmas, Winter Solstice)
- Ostara (Easter, Spring Equinox)
- Litha (Summer Solstice, Aboriginal Day)
- Mabon (Autumnal Equinox)
Wicca was invented by the Baby Satan in the dark ages for overweight lesbians who could not get dates. It quickly spread to America, particularly Taxachusetts. It put down roots there quickly, and even a containment initiative couldn't get rid of the infection.
- The Greek Goddess Artemis
- Martha Stewart
- Hillary Clinton
- Abigail Smith Adams
- Rosa Parks
- Mona Lisa
- Matt Damon
- Barry Manilow
- Zsuzsanna Budapest
- Alex Sanders
- Silver Ravenwolf
- Gerald Gardner