Certain Americans must be protected in the event of global disasters and alien invasion. One of these important people is Our Glorious Stephen.

Anyone who endangers any of these important Americans is immediately dispatched.


On the April 17, 2007 "The Colbert Report" Dr. Colbert had a noticeable infected vocal countenance. On the next episode, he valiantly denied having a cold, but everyone in the nation knew someone had given him a disease.

On April 19, he refused to make out with supermodel Paulina Porizkova, admitting to her that he had a cold and opting for a Roman handshake at the conclusion of their sexually-charged interview.

Now we know: Dr. Colbert has a cold.

But who gave it to him?



In a previous episode, Dr. Colbert showed Tad galvanting with birds. Some of these birds may have been carrying the avian flu, which Tad picked up and gave to Dr. Colbert.


Meg provides Stephen with refreshment during the show. if she had a cold, she could have infected Dr. Colbert.


Bobby could easily have been behind Dr. Colbert's ill health, especially since Dr. Colbert had recently upbraided Bobby for his lack of beabox skills during a Check-In with John Stewart.

Ric OcasekEdit

Ric might have infected Stephen to prevent him from charming Ocasek's wife Paulina Porizkova and planting the kiss they had both so longed for.


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