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God Touching Adam
is Most Beloved by God over all His creations
Now and Forever, Amen.
ATTENTION: This Page is for Real Americans™ ONLY
If you are not a Real American™, pack your bags and report to GITMO.

A wedding is a holy ceremony between a man and the women with whom he wishes to breed. All women spend their childhood dreaming of the day they become "wives;" the last day they really are entitled to wear white. Remember, trophy wives come later after the man is past reasonable procreation age, say 32. Women over the age of 32 are known as "mature honeys." They can only become "mature honeys" if they are way past wearing white.

Remember marriage is a wonderful institution, if you want to live in an institution.

Planning A WeddingEdit

The Father's RoleEdit

Choosing The Bride & GroomEdit

Estimating The DowryEdit

Do All Wedding Planners Have To Be Gay?Edit

The Day Of The WeddingEdit

Who Is Allowed To AttendEdit

Anyone and everyone that the parents need to impress. Focus especially on the individuals who have a track record of selected the most expensive items on the Bridal Registry.

To keep up with the Jones, the closer you bring the father of the bride to bankruptcy the better. After all, this is the mother of the bride's opportunity to sell her daughter into servitude and she needs to do it right. It is only one after all.

Church Or Chapel?Edit

The Best Place To Hold A ReceptionEdit

What Music Is Appropriate & Which Isn'tEdit

Music at a wedding has gone from a classical Chopin to a guy in a Radiohead t-shirt plugging his iPod into a jack that came with his jeep. The traditional "wedding march" song has remained intact, albeit only for the reason that nobody knows of another song that has that slow of a tempo anymore (see "The Decemberists").

Wedding TraditionsEdit

Something Old, Something New, Something Borrowed, Something BlueEdit

Symbolism Of The RingsEdit

Color Of The Bride's DressEdit

Throwing RiceEdit

Tying Cans To The Back Of The CarEdit

The Bride's CakeEdit

The Groom's CakeEdit

The Wedding NightEdit

How To Calculate The Right Number Of ChaperonesEdit

This is a difficult decision to make, as your bride (being the nervous virgin that she is), is indecisive up until the day before the wedding night, forcing your reservation to expire its "honeymooners" option.

If the first part of this is not true (meaning there is ample time to decipher), the following should be observed.

  • The longer you two know each other, the more people you should have chaperoning. The waters of love can boil for only so long.
  • Skip past the corsage; you both hated it in high school, so why risk another hemorrhage?
  • No fancy positions, unless you are a Catholic... there's always room for mistakes for the Catholic love-makers.

Wedding TriviaEdit

See AlsoEdit

Do Not Also SeeEdit

External TubesEdit

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