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A wedding is a holy ceremony between a man and the women with whom he wishes to breed. All women spend their childhood dreaming of the day they become "wives;" the last day they really are entitled to wear white. Remember, trophy wives come later after the man is past reasonable procreation age, say 32. Women over the age of 32 are known as "mature honeys." They can only become "mature honeys" if they are way past wearing white.
Remember marriage is a wonderful institution, if you want to live in an institution.
Planning A WeddingEdit
The Father's RoleEdit
Choosing The Bride & GroomEdit
Estimating The DowryEdit
Do All Wedding Planners Have To Be Gay?Edit
The Day Of The WeddingEdit
Who Is Allowed To AttendEdit
Anyone and everyone that the parents need to impress. Focus especially on the individuals who have a track record of selected the most expensive items on the Bridal Registry.
To keep up with the Jones, the closer you bring the father of the bride to bankruptcy the better. After all, this is the mother of the bride's opportunity to sell her daughter into servitude and she needs to do it right. It is only one after all.
Church Or Chapel?Edit
The Best Place To Hold A ReceptionEdit
What Music Is Appropriate & Which Isn'tEdit
Music at a wedding has gone from a classical Chopin to a guy in a Radiohead t-shirt plugging his iPod into a jack that came with his jeep. The traditional "wedding march" song has remained intact, albeit only for the reason that nobody knows of another song that has that slow of a tempo anymore (see "The Decemberists").
Something Old, Something New, Something Borrowed, Something BlueEdit
Symbolism Of The RingsEdit
Color Of The Bride's DressEdit
Tying Cans To The Back Of The CarEdit
The Bride's CakeEdit
The Groom's CakeEdit
The Wedding NightEdit
How To Calculate The Right Number Of ChaperonesEdit
This is a difficult decision to make, as your bride (being the nervous virgin that she is), is indecisive up until the day before the wedding night, forcing your Motel6.com reservation to expire its "honeymooners" option.
If the first part of this is not true (meaning there is ample time to decipher), the following should be observed.
- The longer you two know each other, the more people you should have chaperoning. The waters of love can boil for only so long.
- Skip past the corsage; you both hated it in high school, so why risk another hemorrhage?
- No fancy positions, unless you are a Catholic... there's always room for mistakes for the Catholic love-makers.