Walt Whitman
is an insidious part of the
Fancy-pantsification of America!
Not quite girlie, not quite man,
Walt Whitman
is all Girlieman.

Walt Whitman, sometimes called "the Oscar Wilde of the Americas" or the "The Gay Father of American Poetry", was a dirty old man who advanced dangerous ideas like appreciating nature and studying poetry with a straight face.

Works Edit

He is best known for his poem "Leaves of Grass", a 120 page, prose edda to lawn care. He is also notable for having been one of the few people to speak with Ralph (Where's) Waldo Emerson and not be seduced into living in Emerson's woods for a year. Whitman wrote of the exchange: "I told him...while I make love to the forest as much as the next being...I am also in love with the filth of industry and to spend one day not rolling in both ... grass and soot ... would cause my being to burst."

Whitman had a thing for ellipses. You know (...) these...things.

Controversy Edit

Some claim that Walt Whitman was a homosexual and is therefore in hell. Others believe that he was omnisexual and God will be too weirded out to make a decision. Proponents of the latter theory cite Henry David Thoreau, who said, "Theoretically he's just as likely to make love to a mountain, or a river, or the concept of "thrift" as he is to bone you or I." Thoreau went on to say, "One time he said I'd been a very civilly disobedient boy and tried to cram a riding crop up my tintinnabulum, if you know what I mean. But no, he's not gay. Gay is him, and he is everything, so everything is gay and gay is straight. To be honest, I'm just as confused as you are."

Trivia Edit

  • Whitman had a very floppy hat.
  • Walt Whitman made beards cool again.
  • Walt Whitman enjoyed imaginary voyeurism.

See AlsoEdit

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