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Virginality is a quality of personhood required for the proper worship of God and for full participation in the civic life of our great nation. America has the highest virginality rates of any country in the world, due largely to the unmitigated success of the "Abstinence-Only" educational policies of the Greatest President - Ever. More information about this success, the President's policies, and abstinence cannot be found in the divinely inspired virginality-training manuals, Nothing You Ever Wanted to Know about Sex (But Knew God Didn't Want You to Ask)©, and Leave No Child's Behind Abstinent-Only©.
|Levels of Virginality |
|Level 0: Extra Virginal||The title of "Extra-Virgin" is reserved for those few individuals who most perfectly embody God's love in human form.|
|Level 1: Virginal||Everyday virginality, for which we all must strive, and at which we all must fail. Fortunately, with sufficient rigor and shame, God gives us multiple chances to renew our quest for virginality.|
|Level 2: Wag of the Finger||The first step away from purest virginality begins with hands where they don?t belong. Remember the Bible's advice about offensive body parts, and feel free to cut off your hands if necessary. It's a small price to pay to avoid "The Devil's Diddle."|
|Level 3: The Threat Down!||You’re moving further away from virginality - and closer toward God’s wrath - if you engage in practices of oral pleasuration. (Abstinent practices of virginorality excluded)|
|Level 4: Nailed||Self-explanatory.|
|Level 5: Called Out||Sodomy makes the Baby Jesus very, very sad. Remember, though, that God is always willing to accept non-gay and ex-gay re-virginates back into his flock (and that Abstinent virginanality is not sodomy).|
|Level 6: On Notice||Now you've really pissed God off. Orgies, incest, man-on-dog sex, what have you - you'd better turn this ship around, mister! (perhaps consider raping a bear cub instead?)|
|Level 7: Non-Virginal||This level quarters those godless souls beyond the bounds of virginal practice, (i.e., bears, democrats, communists, gays, and people who violate kittens such that visitors to KittenWar.com avoid petting them). Don't front with the Lord: you know what you did.|
|Level 8: Dead to God||Don’t let this happen to you. If you die without your virginality in place, you will burn in hell – forEVER!|
According to many Youth Ministers, what we're trying to avoid having to actually having to talk about here is far more than just the act of "doing It." While the liberal media wants to undermine virginality and corrupt America's children by insisting that virginality concerns sex alone, the truth of the matter is quite different. Virginality affects your entire essense as a person; that's why it's so shameful to talk about It. Virginality is not available to godless liberals, gays, lesbians, terrorists, or people who have non-abstinent sex before they are married. Virginality is only for Christians, Republicans, and Amerisexuals. Virginality belongs to those precious few God-fearing Americans who are willing police themselves constantly as they pursue that most elusive of unreachable goals.
God wants his people to try really hard to get virginality, and God wants you to work every day to keep virginality even though you're bound to fail at It (especially if you're any good at "doing It"). Because virginality is a quality of personhood, and not just a state of the flesh, almost everyone eventually fails at virginality in some fashion (for exceptions, see "Exemplars of Extra-Virginality"). The great thing about virginality, though, is that there are so many different types of virginality and so many new and exciting methods to achieve virginalization that you can always try again! And try we must, for if we do not support God and his elected leaders in their efforts to protect America's virginality from the terrorists, our future is going to get a lot more unpopular, knocked up, and syphilitic.
What Makes Virginality So Important?
Virginality is one of the most pressing issues facing America's children today. For too long, the liberal media has remained silent on the subject of virginality, threatening to undermine our unrivaled world dominance in this area. Right now, the only places that America's children can receive the all-important messages telling them not to talk about "sex" are in their homes, schools, and churches. Meanwhile, in their movies, televisions, and books, God-hating communists and sodomites continue to freely promote their pornographic agenda of providing “factual” information about sexual practices to Americans (including the children). They claim to promote “safe sex,” but these pornographers see through a condom darkly; whereas we rejoiceth in the truth. They claim to place a prophylactic shield between your genitals and your ignorance; but what they are really doing is peeling back that protective layer of lubricated ignorance that God requires Americans to maintain in order to secure their virginality. Yet the liberal media has waged its "War on Virginality" mostly unopposed, while the less important "War on Drugs," "War on Poverty," or "War on Iraq" wars have turned our attention away from the spotlight of sin on which it should be focused.
Fortunately for all Americans, President George W. Bush is fighting hard to maintain America's unrivaled world dominance in virginality. He has made the War on Virginality one of his primary concerns during his tenure as the Greatest President – EVER. Shortly after his first inauguration, The White House released the "Abstinence-Only Counter-Offensive to Fight the Liberal Media's War on Virginality" (AOCOFLMWoV), a 48-page policy document consisting of twelve bullet points and six "naughty" illustrations (for educational purposes only) hand-drawn by the President himself.
Following through on the promises of the first three bullet points, The President has so far:
- 1) created a new Cabinet position, The Under-Secretary of Virginality in The U.S. Department of Education, to oversee Abstinence-Only Education for all of America’s children (yes, ALL). This post is currently held by Dr. James Dobson, who joins the President in always thinking of the children.
- B) The President’s next great effort in fighting the War against the War on Virginality was to push through a number of unfunded initiatives for Abstinence-Only programs to be taught in public schools through “Faith-based Initiatives.” One prominent leader in this emerging theo-pedagogical governmental field of small government has been the Faith-Based Faith of Stephen with a PH (no longer affiliated with the secular NGO the Stephen and Melinda Gates Foundation).
- III) recently, the Office of Virginality has been pushing to extend the upper limit of “Abstinence-Only” promotion toward adults age 19-29, an effort that seems to have finally taken off (Hallelujah). And from what I've heard from the word on the street corner, the cool hip kids who are really with it seem to be totally down with the abstinence, dude. Another mission accomplished there, Mister President!
Types of Virginality
- Physical Virginality: virginality of the physical body. This means you've never had "sex." Not having "sex" means you aren't married, and that the woman partner of your heterosexual pairing still has her hymen intact. No one who is gay can have "sex," they can only have shameful, sinful, going-to-hell, real sex. Women without hymens can't have "sex," nor can the men who have sex with them. "Sex" is any sex-like activity that takes place outside of marriage between committed heterosexual partners who really love each other and are saving themselves for marriage. In this way, they can retain their physical virginality.
- Spiritual Virginality: virginality of the spirit. Regardless of whether you've had physical sex (or "sex"), you should still strive to maintain or regain spiritual virginality by making sure that your spirit isn't having sex, "sex," or any sex-like thoughts. You can do this by keeping thoughts of Jesus Christ, Lord and Savior, in the forefront of your mind at all times. In a non-sexy way, of course. Otherwise, it defeats the purpose. Also, it's blasphemy.
- Political Virginality: virginality of voting. This means that you have either refrained from voting (your best bet if you feel you might have any "liberal tendencies"), or you have only ever voted for candidates who themselves represent the highest qualities of virginality (e.g., they are anti-gay marriage, pro-life, anti-evolution, anti-"man on dog" sex). Like all forms of virginality, political virginality can be regained if you foolishly toss it aside in a drunken fit of abandon. But you'll have to pray really hard to convince God that you're serious about getting your virginality back on track.
Ways to Achieve Virginality
These methods of pursuing virginality rely on not having sex outside of marriage. The focus of these practices of virginality is the retention of physical and spiritual virginality. Abstinence-Only virginality is the most important kind of virginality for American children and for unmarried heterosexuals, which is why it is the central focus of The Greatest President - EVER's educational policy. Abstinence-Only Virginality makes the Baby Jesus happy.
Most popular forms of Abstinence ("Millennium Edition")
- Virginanality, or "Backdoor Abstinence": This practice, if done correctly, is not "sex," because it does not involve the insertion of a heterosexual penis into a heterosexual vagina. Anal sex is an acceptable practice of virginality if and only if it is performed by teenagers who are really in love and saving themselves for marriage. Otherwise, it is sodomy, and anyone who does it is going to hell. A friend of mine who used to be a counselor tells me that while there is a very small chance of this, it is actually possible to get pregnant through "Backdoor Abstinence." But don't worry. If this happens to you, it must be God's will.
- Virginorality, or "Less Wicked than Sex but Worse than Backdoor Abstinence": This is not "sex," either, because again there is no direct sinful contact between heterosexual love organs prior to the beautiful consummation of marital coitus. Some people will tell you that oral sex is no different from any other form of "sex," and that you should still think about things like "protection" when engaging in virginorality. These people are probably democrats, and you should not listen to them. Everyone knows that your mouth can't get pregnant! And who ever heard of a "dental dam?" All God and the President want you to know is that virginorality is Abstinence -- but only if there is no eye contact involved between partners!
The liberal media wants you to think that Abstinence is only about retaining your physical virginality. Physical virginality is important to God, the Baby Jesus, and America, especially for you girls out there! (You don't want to anger your Heavenly Father and force your earthly father to sell you at a reduced rate, now do you? Not to mention what everyone is saying behind your back at school!) But God is equally invested in your spiritual and political virginality. God wants you to be pure in every way -- and that means not listening to what the liberal media isn't telling you!
A perfect illustration of the media establishment's position on virginality can be found in the work of gay sex columnist Dan Savage. For many years, Savage's one-man gay sexual agenda has been to pollute America's spiritual virginality by gaying up the bland vanilla sex lives of average Americans through his often outlandish gay sex "advice." For example, during a recent appearance on The Colbert Report, Savage insisted -- against all evidence to the contrary -- that "if a man and a woman are doing it, it's as straight as can be." Fortunately for America's children, this nonsense was not allowed to go unchallenged. Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, DFA, currently serving as God's representative of Extra-Virginality on Earth, explained things to Mr. Savage thus: "Not always. Not always, no. It's a man and a woman. Woman: on her back, eyes closed, thinking about something else. That is straight sex. Okay?"
In his nailing of Dan Savage, Dr. Colbert cut right through the heart of the liberal media's War on Virginality. In his description of straight sex, Our Glorious Stephen eloquently and truthily spoke forth the secret that the liberal media has been desperately trying to keep hidden from America. That simple truth is simply this: if you look at your (heterosexual) partner while engaged in Abstinence, the increased risk of sexually lewd thoughts and feelings can seriously compromise your virginality. This is why God commanded his chosen people to have sex in the dark, and without talking. This is also why, when you are saving yourself for marriage, virginanality is More Abstinent than virginorality.
These methods of pursuing virginality rely on returning to practices of virginality after having been non-Abstinent, gay, and/or a liberal. Re-virgination requires a strict adherence to God's plan, including the lifelong avoidance of "sex" outside of marriage, masturbation, liberalism, and book-learning. Re-virgination is a requirement for non-virgins who wish to pursue membership in the Future Born Again Christians Club.
Popular approaches to re-virgination
- LikeaVirginality: Re-virginality for teenagers who have sinned against the Baby Jesus, allowing themselves to be ruined in the eyes of God and society by carelessly tossing aside their virginality, rather than saving themselves for marriage. LikeaVirginality provides such wayward youth the opportunity to return to a more virginal lifestyle through the rigorous application of "Abstinence-Only." I read somewhere that your hymen will grow back in one to two years if you don't have any more non-abstinence "sex" and don't do masturbation. LikeaVirginality can happen much more quickly for boys, who don't have to worry about that pesky hymen in the first place.
- Dis-averginality: Re-virginality for former prisoners, Our Troops, or attendees of Vacation Bible schools, summer camps, and Boy Scout circle-jerks. Dis-averginality provides the opportunity for those who may have accidentally veered from the righteous path of virginality to reconnect with God's plan through a combination diet of denial and repression. The program begins with the simple pretense that no transgressions ever took place, followed by a short period spent in physical self-abuse (no, not that kind - the kind that makes the Baby Jesus happy, like crawling over broken glass or whipping yourself). Finally, the dis-avergin enters into the "maintainance stage" of ceaseless prayer, in which daily begging not be cast into the fires of eternal damnation can help assure that the refreshed virginality won't be sacrificed so easily again.
- Ex-Gay Virginality: The most holy re-virginality of all. Ex-gay re-virgins often become ministers, in order to lead others down the path of sacred glory that leads to righteous re-virginality. Or perhaps because it provides them with lots of access to "Backdoor Abstinence." Liberal factonistas, who like to argue that there is a difference between a "pedophile" and a "gay," will tell you that there's no such thing as an "ex-gay." Liberals are jealous of the holy purity of virginality, because they cannot have it. They are wrong about the ex-gays, just as they are wrong when they say that "pedophiles" are not "ex-ex-gays."
This is a very special kind of virginality built around the relationship of a younger virgIntern (also known as a virginyte within some religious institutions) with an older virginaphile. The virginaphile (sometimes an ex-gay re-virgin) is responsible for protecting the virginality of his young charge, usually through a strict program of "Abstinence-Only" training (cf. Mark Foley, Public school virginaphiles, Catholic priests, Missouri pastors, etc.). Through the example of the virginaphilic mentor, the virgIntern learns precious lessons about God's love.
Exemplars of Extra-Virginality
The extra-virginal Holy Mother of Our Lord and Savior, Mary managed to maintain all three types of virginality from the moment she was conceived free of sin until the instant in which she magically floated up to heaven on a cloud. She's such a special lady.Hate America Firsters will try to tell you that Jesus was gay (usually just because of that naked John Mark thing), they are all filthy, bear-loving liars. Jesus was so extra-virginal that he was like triple ex-gay.
Stephen is the sexiest man alive and is widely rumored to have had performed the sacred act of heterosexual love-making with his wife (whilst the Baby Jesus watched over them approvingly). Stephen's exceptional virginality is attested to by the fact that he and his wife have three children - no more, no less. What he did before his marriage (or since, for that matter) doesn't enter the picture -- any more than does his indescribable-in-English but definitely not-gay relationship with building manager Tad. Virginality is about purity, Godliness, Americanism, and general rightness, so Stephen is the very embodiment of all that virginality entails. More importantly, according to wikiality he does not do masturbation, which is strictly forbidden by the holy laws of virginality.
- the divinely inspired virginality-training manual Leave No Child's Behind Abstinent-Only©
- the divinely inspired virginality-training manual, Nothing You Ever Wanted to Know about Sex (But Knew God Didn't Want You to Ask)©
- "Technical Virginity": not so truthy (nor as euphonious) as "Virginality," but not so facty as to make the "other" list
- See? The Catholic Church knows there's a War on Virginality!
- A powerful Afterschool Special on virginality in which the high school heroine (Jerri Blank) learns that "being a virgin is a wonderful and precious thing to hold onto ... as long as it doesn't interfere with you having sex."
- As a member of the Colbert Nation, have you taken your pledge to remain "abstinent" until marriage??? Dan Savage hasn't.
Do Not See Also
- LiB Warning: Superfacty statistical "objectivity" attempted (Nerd Alert)
- Many Teens Who Take 'Virginity Pledges' Substitute Other High-Risk Behavior for Intercourse, Study Says
- LiB Warning: Boring
- LiB Warning: Pornography under cover of "honest, open conversation" about abstinence. Seems to take a frighteningly "gays are okay" position. May not be appropriate for teen readers.
- LiB Warning: Where do these Doctors get off questioning the Greatest President -EVER on public health policy?
- LiB Warning: Like, Mega-depressing. Also, about Africa, so may not exist.
- ↑ Once you are married, most "Abstinence-Only" practices will again revert to the status of mortal sins.
- ↑ The growing popularity of Purity Balls reflects savvy Businessfathers' attempts to increase market shares for American virgins.
- ↑ Usually something along the lines of "What a slut! I heard she went all the way with Jimmy W."
- ↑ Formula 401/402 and any unknown or unwanted illegitimate children excluded from this claim.