Vaxamamm is the first judgement warping medication on the
market to affect specific parts of an individual's brain, especially the areas involved with tolerance, brotherly love and the sense of right and wrong. We haven't told Dr. Stephen Colbert, DFA about this one yet, so we have no idea if he'd endorse it. Probably not...
Over view of Vaxamamm:
Vaxamamm comes is a white, pinecone shaped, whiffle ball sized pill with a brown-black coating to give the appearance that it was smeared on by a three year old child. Shortly after ingestion, esophageal bleeding usually stops and feelings of balance and perspective about the world and it's inhabitants become blurred and confused, similar in effect to alcohol's ability to make your boss's three hundred pound secretary that looks remarkably like Burt Reynolds (Except for the fact that he has a smaller moustache...), look like lindsey Lohan BEFORE entering a LA night club, but with opposite, negative connotations.
Warpings of opinion include:
Instant and complete distrust of anyone not wearing brown penny loafers, condemnation of all hip-hop or rap music (Except for, apparently, M&M and the Beastie boys), The adoption of unfounded, irrational opinions like how George W. Bush is fair and balanced in his treatment of minorities and Cheney should have run for President and the making of exaggerated claims like you think African-American people smell funny and that everybody knows that the Koran's first commandment is to "Kill all white people".
Effects from continuous use of this product include:
-Instant and uncontrollable attraction to Khakis -increased attraction to music by Yanni and Kenny G -The complete condemnation of any display of individuality or originality to be "anti-American" and opinion that the haircuts from pictures of students from an average 1950's Ohio high school yearbook should be federally enforced. -That, instead of fencing in your own property, that fencing out anyone in the neighborhood with higher melanin content than your two year old, Swedish nephew is what you consider to be "preventive maintenance". -Complete, unfiltered, uncensored belief in anything Fox News tells you
Target area of effectiveness is reached:
when the user has an overwhelming desire to put on black face and reinact incredibly offensive Al Jolsen routines to everyone they come in contact with as a way of showing people what they think were the "the golden years" of comedy. Field trials were conducted with a cross section of United States citizens including Ted Danson, who, due to a violent chemical reaction to the drug, reached the target mark in one dose during a Friar's Club roast one night while dating Whoopee Goldberg. Telepathic Resonance Influence ( Or TFI ) aspects of the drug are being explored considering that Ms. Goldberg found no fault in his behavior and continued to have sex with Mr. Danson until they both eventually realized who they were both having sex with.
Creation of the drug was greenlit when a large group of national civil rights activist leaders wanted to create a drug that would help weed out the people irresponsible, stupid or evil enough to take it in the first place in the hopes that that it would create a precident justifying the pushing through Congress of an act authorizing the forced sterilizations of certain members and groups of the American public. Specific areas of interest being: most Republicans (Including the surviving members of the Helms family), the Moral Majority in it's entirety and Alabama.
Negative side effects to the use of Vaxamamm include:
- Almost insantaneous termination of employment - The near constant delivery of civil trial supeonas - The permanent abondonment of family, friends and just about everybody else - Overwhelming need to shave one's head while wearing "wife beaters" and Doc Martins - Endless nights spent transcribing episodes of "Amos and Andy" and E-mailing them to anyone who will listen till your fingers bleed - Bruises on your chest and knees from hitting the ground when ever you see anyone wearing a turban - deserved, repeated and continuous beatings from, again, just about everybody
Abuse and overdose of Vaxamamm include symptoms such as:
- Suicidal loneliness where the only contact you have with other humans is from the only people, at that point, that will still listen to you, IE. homeless people who just want a quarter and other viewers of Fox News - Constant bickering between you and your shrieking suppressed conscience - Severe weight loss from your boycott of all fruits and vegetables due to the possibility that an immigrant may have touched it - Acute boredom from your avoidance of TV, movies and books due to your delusion that the world's media is controlled by "the Jews"
A safe gaurd was implanted into the chemical structure
of the drug where after six weeks of use, the body builds a complete immunity against it's effects, at which point normal mental processes begin to reassert themselves within a week. After a small period, urges including generational guilt, overwhelming regret and the God-like worshiping of Al Sharpton are common. If after after immunity has set in or your have stopped taking Vaxamamm you still look at three-fifths of the world as, "shifty, lazy and deportable", please cut out and send us the Vaxamamm label and receipt and we will send over Tyrone and G who will enroll you, free of charge, in one of their protracted, committed "deprogramming" sessions. Since Tyrone and G are not actual employees of Prescott Pharmaceuticals, we are not responsible for scarring, broken bones, loss of fingers and toes or, due to head trauma, the acquired inability to process information at a level past the second grade. We generally meet Tyrone and G weekly outside a bar on 123rd street with a list of clients and they seems more than happy to do this in their spare time.
Prescott Pharmacueticals is also not responsible for
your decision to take Vaxamamm in the first place. I mean, think about it. The outside of the box says in large, frightening letters, " What the %$@& are you thinking? DO NOT take this drug. Idiot...". Considering the creation of this drug was ordered and financed by outside interests, in our opinion, if you do decide to take it, you deserve what you get and we hope that you require a extended "reeducation" from Tyrone and G. Again, the people at Prescott Pharmacueticals hope you enjoy all our products while we spend most of our business days hitting ourselves in the foreheads with solid gold hammers.