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Thanks to an insightful plan by electoral masterminds Karl Rove and Ken Mehlman, Republicans nearly ran the board on election night. They turned the electoral map a deep cardinal red and did it in a way that completely bamboozled the liberal media. The fools at the media thought they were seeing a "blue tsunami." Nothing could have been farther from the truth.
The ingenious planEdit
Rove and Mehlman got together over brandy and show tunes almost a year before the election to plot strategy. They were worried about something they called the "six year itch," a rash that sometimes develops during a President's second term.
To overcome the slight danger that some Americans might actually decide to vote for a Democrat, Rove and Mehlman recruited dozens of Republicans to run as Democrats. The plan worked like a charm as dozens of these new pseudo-Democrats won throughout the country.
The House strategyEdit
Rove and Mehlman recruited so many fake Democrats to run for Congress that control of that body appeared to shift to Democrats. Of course, that's not really what happened.
Lobbyists on K Street began to pour into nearby watering holes as the results trickled in. They began to drink heavily, fearful that their jobs (and their six- or seven-figure salaries) would disappear under this blue wave.
But the mood brightened in the bars as word about the real story filtered in from Tom DeLay's swanky new offices down the street. When the lobbyists realized that the GOP majority had actually increased, they were seen celebrating by burning earmarks.
"Hey," said one, holding up a burning earmark worth millions to his clients, "we don't need these anymore. If these new fake Dems act like real Republicans then we'll be able to get new earmarks worth billions for a dime-bag and a couple o' Redskins tickets."
"We thought the revolution was over," said another lobbyist in an Italian suit. "But it turns out that we can stay the course, and keep on going like we always have."
Even some of the commentators on Fox News, who should have known better, expressed concern that Nancy Pelosi, a San Francisco liberal will now become Madame Speaker. They need to sign up for a gut-check. Sure, Pelosi gets the title, but that's all she gets.
To further the amazing Rove/Mehlman plan, Tom DeLay had graciously agreed to retire from Congress. DeLay is now free to run the new GOP super-majority as "ghost-whip" from an office on K Street. He's already started sending coded messages to his new troops through the many interviews he's given to the media.
According to the Rove/Mehlman master-plan, Pelosi's apparent ascension to power also helped the genius GOP brains dispose of the messy little problem of the supposed Mark Foley page-play cover-up. Ex-Speaker Dennis Hastert and his roommates had gotten themselves all tangled up in that little matter. But Hastert and his roomies are old news now. The Press isn't going to care about that stuff now that they have a San Francisco liberal with a bizarre laugh to play around with.
The Senate strategyEdit
Rove and Mehlman thought of everything in their master plan. They were vaguely concerned that the Press might actually grow a backbone and detect outlines of their plan. To prevent that, their game-plan created a diversion: Recounts in two key Senate races.
They had recruited several pseudo-Democrats to run in Senate races, but also arranged for two of those races to end up with razor-thin margins. That completely distracted the media, especially because one of those races was in Montana where satellite trucks had to be dragged in by elephant caravans.
Just as Rove and Mehlman expected, the media jumped on the recount stories. They spent days after the election making splashy graphics and theme music for endless profiles of Jim Webb, George Allen, Conrad Burns-Abramoff, and John "Jon" Tester.
The ground gameEdit
Rove and Mehlman left nothing to chance. They recruited fake Democrats even for gubernatorial and local races. Several of their fake Govs won. To keep the media commentators guessing, however, they allowed sort-of real Republicans to win in places like Florida and California.
Even though he's not really a Republican, Arnold Schwarzenegger is great on camera and therefore kept his job in Cauliflower.
Although they came to regret it in the last days of the campaign, Rove and Mehlman allowed their ex-BFF Charlie Crist (all of whom are single) to run as a Republican in Florida. He won, and will succeed Florida's Best Governor Ever, Jeb Bush.
Keep 'em guessingEdit
Rove's well-oiled White House leak machine jumped into overdrive to keep reporters off the scent of the true election story.
It fed out stories about a crestfallen and depressed west wing staff to help assure reporters that there really had been a "blue wave." That kept reporters from noticing that most staffers -- and Rove especially -- were giddy about the success of their secret plan.
Rove also dropped hints to several reporters that The President was about to dissolve Congress. Reporters tripped over themselves to print that juicy tidbit which made its way into several prominent web publications.