Baby Jesus
Celebrate the all-American Holiday
United States Independence Day
with The Baby Jesus™

Since 04/07/1776

United States Independence Day
has become TOO RANDOM
it needs a complete rewrite in order to remove all the randomness.
Please edit this page so that it fits in "The Stephen Colbert Experience" Thank You.

Stars & Stripes FOREVER!

Independence Day (or as it is sometimes referred to, Ol' Fourthy) is the greatest day in America and the rest of the world. It is celebrated with hot dogs, picnics, and low, low APR financing on all new and used Toyotas.

Moved From Independence DayEdit

Independence Day is the day when the greatest country in the world, the United States of America kicked Britain's ass. To celebrate, Real Americans along side Baby Jesus, set off explosives and eat the greatest dessert in the world, the American apple pie

Baby Jesus
United States Independence Day
Makes The Baby Jesus™ Happy
And that Makes Stephen happy, too!

Moved From July 4Edit

July 4 is the American holiday upon which [Real Americans] celebrate the fact that we live in the greatest civilization of all time (America, pay attention). In honor of the sacrifices of our forefathers, Americans play baseball while drinking Budweiser and then eat hot dogs (made from German Shepards in honor of America's victory over the Nazis) and Apple Pie. Nothing says America like Apple Pie. It is federal law that every home fly [Ol' Glory] proudly out front. If there is no wind, buy a fan and use it of

To cap off the celebration of freedom, a massive display of firepower is put on.

Origins of Independence Day Edit

On July 4, 1946, George W. Bush was born. At his birth, three kings came to his house in Crawford, Texas with gold, frankinscence (sp?), and mihr (sp?). However, the young Bush turned them away, because everyone knows kings have no place in THE GREATEST COUNTRY EVER!!!!!1 People rejoiced at the news of the brave young soul standing up for democracy. To honor his heroism, they U.S. Congress ruled unanimously to make Bush's birthday a national holiday. But Bush, being the humble, modest person that he is, opted not to have his name in the holiday. Instead, he preferred the holiday to be called "Independence Day," after his mother, Independence. (Now, I know some of the factinistas will say that George W. Bush's mother is Barbara Bush. Now, this is true, only because that Independence, being an abstract thought necessary to the ongoing awesomeness of THE GREATEST COUNTRY EVER!!!!!1, can not be visualized by mortals. Independence chose to come down to Earth in the form of Barbara Bush, the second hottest woman ever. [The first is Laura Bush.])

There are also unconfirmed reports that July 4th was also the birthdate of Baby Jesus. According to excavations of caves in Israel, Jesus was born on July 4th, but went back into Mary's womb in order to be reborn five months later. This was so that he could fight the evil forces in the War on Christmas.


Fourth of July celebrations include, but are not limited to:

  • picnics
  • carnivals
  • TV specials
  • hot dogs
  • hamburgers
  • Freedom Fries
  • car sales (see introduction)
  • porno of girls wearing flag-print underpants/wrapped in flags
  • fireworks
  • more fireworks
  • your annoying little brother who spends the whole night playing with those stupid poppers 'cuz he thinks they're cool
  • The National Anthem
  • Ole Glory
  • jacking off to pictures of Stephen Colbert/George W. Bush/Jesus (I know that's redundant, but cut me some slack.)
  • Colbert Report marathons
  • TP-ing of the Capitol building by the Democrats
  • parties
  • start the Christmas season by holding your tree-lighting ceremony (with fireworks)
  • even more fireworks
  • a hangover the next morning

People are encouraged to come up with their own ways to celebrate the 4th of July, though none that would be a sin against our Lord, such as safe sex or listening to Air America.

Ad blocker interference detected!

Wikia is a free-to-use site that makes money from advertising. We have a modified experience for viewers using ad blockers

Wikia is not accessible if you’ve made further modifications. Remove the custom ad blocker rule(s) and the page will load as expected.