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Unitarianism is the "non-religion" religion. Think of Unitarians as caffeine-free sugar-free cola. If they were furniture they'd be sofa-beds. Think windbreakers, white bread, home haircuts. Think Kansas.

Beliefs and BehaviorEdit

Unitarians are staunch in their belief that they have no definite beliefs and all beliefs are just fine. They spread this word by not spreading it in a genial and very helpful way. Unitarians are eager to help anyone at all in any way possible, but only if they can do so while taking no stand on any issue or belief at all. They seem generally a happy lot, in an unfocused "cow watching a train pass" kind of way.

You can recognize a Unitarian in the way he welcomes all strangers with a limp, lukewarm handshake, a weak smile and marginal eye contact.

Unitarians tend to go on "missions" to other parts of the country, where they sit in groups in the local Bob Evans and talk about nature in general terms over cold coffee.

Unitarians have something they call "congregational polity." This means they like to sit in meetings and complain about how long their meetings drag on.

They regularly form ad-hoc committees to decide upon an equitable process to form a committee to discern the nature of the Ultimate (also known as God, the Universe, the Goddess, Allah, Yaweh, the Buddah, Krishna, Ra, the Flying Spaghetti Monster, Zeus, Great Spirit, the Tao, or Garrison Keiller). The most recent attempt required 3,546 person-hours of meetings and 273 ammendments before adoption, and resulted in the determination that the Ultimate was, indeed, a committee.

Reasons To Avoid UnitariansEdit

  • Attempting to have a discussion with a Unitarian is always exhausting. They wear you down with their reasonable, noncommittal attitude and bland, agreeable ways.
  • Unitarians bathe in cold water, and do not use soap. They smell like the cuff of your grandmother's wool coat. This can be stifling in an enclosed environment.
  • Groups of Unitarians are known to "clump," much in the way of sheep on twisty country roads. In the absence of someone to lead them in a direction, these clumps often persist for weeks. It can take many minutes to walk around clumped Unitarians, but it is time well spent, because any attempt to pass through their group will lead to both of the effects above.

=See AlsoEdit

Unitarian Universalism


1. Harley Granger, "Unitarianism and Me. Oh, and You Too," Knopf, 1959. Pp 3-4.

2. Charles Eng and Team, Haverford College School of Social Patterns, "Proving Unitarians are Nearly Human," publication for doctoral thesis, May 1978.

3. American Hetero Alliance Magazine Volume III-4, August 1990. "Can Unitarianism Make You Gay?"

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