Oh No!
Uncle Sam
needs help fast!
Quick! Someone call the cavalry!

Uncle Sam is every true American's uncle. He has fought valiantly in every war the United States was involved in out of sheer patriotism. He is also Stephen Colbert's personal chauffeur.

Uncle Sam

Biography Edit

Uncle Sam was born on July 4th, just in time to help George Washington win America's freedom in the Revolutionary War. During the War of 1812, he inspired Andrew Jackson to shoot at the whites of the communists' eyes in order to win the Battle of New Orleans. His legendary capacity for remembering the Alamo and the Maine inspired the American troops he recruited in World War I. During World War II, Uncle Sam was a staunch anti-Nazi and a good friend of Rosie the Riveter.

Uncle Sam in recent years Edit

Alas for Uncle Sam, World War II did not bring the freedom and democracy he so desperately loves. Hippies, communists, bear-lovers and Al Franken conspired to form a vast left-wing conspiracy designed to destroy America. Uncle Sam, patriot to the last, began looking for great leaders to support. He enjoyed some success with Ronald Reagan, but it wasn't until the last couple of years that he discovered his true calling.

Depressed and despairing over the vast influx of malcontents who were hell-bent on seeing the Greatest President in American History fail in his plans to bring freedom to the whole world, Uncle Sam wandered the streets of New York aimlessly for days. Then, one magical evening, he heard the summons of the Colbert Nation. He finally found the spiritual leader the nation so desperately needed, and set out to support him as much as possible. Ultimately, Uncle Sam was hired as Stephen Colbert's chauffeur. Uncle Sam is still learning the job, as he has demonstrated forgetfulness in providing Dr. Colbert with his bottled water.

2006 Midterm Elections Edit

On election night in 2006, as voters chose to support terrorism rather than freedom and democracy, Dr Colbert correctly decided that the country had been overrun by ingrates who didn't deserve to hear the truth or be enlightened by his wisdom. Uncle Sam appealed to Dr. Colbert's gut, reasoning that true Americans needed him now more than ever, in this moment of trial. Dr. Colbert chastised him for not having his bottled water prepared, then returned to lead Our Great Country in the war against terrorism, bears, communism and facts.

Future Aspirations Edit

While Uncle Sam has not been placed on notice for his failure to live up to Dr. Colbert's expectations, there is no doubt he needs to improve his job performance, and rapidly. Being Dr. Colbert's personal chauffeur is a great honor and a great responsibility, and there is no room for slackers there.

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