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Turtles are lizards that are so ashamed of their nakedness, they wear a shell to cover up.

Some heathens marry their neighbor's box turtles even though they are wearing the animal kingdom's equivalent of a burqa, so as not to tempt humans into breaking The Heavenly Father's Sexual Laws.

Turtles also spread diseases to children who "handle them". This feels like if it isn't already a sin, soon will be.

One of Dr. Colbert's children, Stephanie, is a turtle.

Some turtles live on land, others live in the sea. Make up your mind, you disease-spreading, neighbor-teasing, over-dressed reptiles! We're at war!

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