If you work hard, you'll get ahead as an
Truant officer

A truant officer is a hard-ass ball-breaker who keeps the kids in line while they grow their minds guts in school. Wholesome activities encouraged by truant officers include monitoring halls, excelling at manly and totally un-gay sports, and burning facty books which would otherwise poison young minds with liberal lies.

The best truant officer uses a form of "tough love" which is heavy on the "tough" and light on the "love". As a result Stephen Colbert would make the perfect truant officer. Sadly for New York City education officials Stephen doesn't have the time to help them shine.

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