Time Travel

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Time Travel
is one of the things they don't want you to know about.

Time travel is a highly controversial method of transportation, in that most versions of vehicles do not completely run on fossil fuels, which we all know to be power source that all true Americans use. Only homosexuals and abortionists use hybrid-powered time machines. For example, take Michael J. Fox and that creepy old man he hangs out with. (put the damn guns down, yes BTTF was a great movie, we just dont want people to time travel that way in real life)

Time travel is also sometimes randomly done with DeLoreans.

You can't truly change the future in the past because: say you go into the past and kill your great great grandfather, you then wouldn't be born, and thus you souldn't go back in time to kill your great great grandfather. You have sex with your grandma, case closed.

Future stephen

A chrono-tourist visits the set of The Colbert Report. What is he here for?

Stephen Colbert - ChronopunditEdit

It has been suggested by certain eggheads, notably Dr. Brian Greene, that most forms of time travel have been disproven, much to the anger of Stephen Colbert and other like-minded heroes. It's just like scientists to tell us what we can't do these days.

Representative Adam Smith is also a vehement time travel-denier, yet he has clearly gone back in time to alter the course of American history - yes, he's THAT Adam Smith. Steve Jobs is the owner of an iTime Machine™, but has so far refused Stephen's request for usage. That, and he hasn't yet given him a free iPhone. The cheap bastard. You'd think all those Pixar movies would warm his heart to such generosity.

Publicly known forms of Time TravelEdit


Wait, wasnt Ross Perot President
in 1993?

  • Delorean - Useful for picking up hot chicks like Claudia Wells and Elizabeth Shue.
  • Parker McComb Systems Railcab - Suitable for horny kickboxers from Belgium.
  • H.G Wells' Contempo - A must for battling Morlocks and for those looking to score with hot Eloi. Comes in three models, one to survive World War III, another to withstand the catastrophic shift of the moon's orbit, and the final one is best used to defeat Jack the Ripper and for scoring with Mary Steenburgen.
  • That thingy that Harry Potter and Hermione Granger used - Powered by the magical fumes of unicorn feces. A renewable energy source approved by Stephen Colbert and his friend Starbeam.
  • The one with all the mirrors in Timeline - Avoid this one, or you'll end up in France.
  • The Guardian of Forever - A chatty fellow that keeps saying nonsense, who the hell knows what the hell he is talking about?
  • Ophidian-controlled Portal from Time's Arrow episode of Star Trek - Stephen would like to meet Mark Twain, but don't ask him to get near that motherf$#%ing snake.
  • Cyberdyne Systems Conduit - Works best with Californian governors. I'm pretty sure Ronald Reagan has used it a couple of times - clearly the source of his idea for the Star Wars program. Best used for scoring with 19 year old waitresses and fathering saviors with the initials "J.C."
  • Slingshotting around the sun - Requires the calculations of a Vulcan to work. A favorite for whales, which possibly includes Michael Moore.
  • Superman - Anything to get some sweet Lois Lane tail.
  • Project Quantum Leap - The easiest way to get into a girl's pants, as you bypass the date and go straight into her body.
  • TARDIS - It's a friggin phone booth. Who are you, E.T.?
  • Bill & Ted's Phone Booth - (Not to be confused with the TARDIS) Excellent tool for slackers to help them complete their history report.
  • - It's how we refresh the mind with episode guides from days past.

Hippies have banned Nucular Time Machines (that includes the Delorean) so now we have a Time Machine that runs on Latte...

Laws on Time TravelEdit


The horror...

  • Rule #1147: Do Not Kill Hitler! I know it is tempting to kill that maniac, but trust me! By killing Hitler you are actually risking the future by helping the Nazis to win the war and to continue their perpetual genocide of Jews. Last time Hitler was killed he was replaced with a guy who actually knew what he was doing, prolonging the war for 10 more years and killing additionally 30 million more Jews (not to mention no Hitler means no Third Reich; no Third Reich means no World War II; no World War II means no rocketry programs; no rocketry programs means no electronics; no electronics means no computers; and no computers means no Internet Porn. Gentlemen, I love my internet porn). Do you want the Nazis to win and kill more Jews?! (and live in a world with no instant porn?!) Then stop Killing Hitler! I cannot emphasize this enough!
  • Rule #1337: Proper Parking. Lately we have been receiving complains regarding the illegal parking of Time Machines in improper places. These illegal parkings are already causing annoyance, specially in School Zones. Please refrain from parking your time machine in illegal places and take the time to familiarize yourself with the area in the future to avoid disturbing the peace.
MoveOn04:23 Back From the Future Campaign Ad

Chrono transmissions are illegal in 2351
  • Rule #1: If you need full advice on time travel, go to Futurepedia. We can't completely help you with time travel on a Stephen Colbert based encyclopedia, and speaking of Stephen Colbert, DON'T YOU DARE KILL COLBERT!!!! DONT YOU DARE STOP HIM FROM EXISTING HERE IN THE PRESENT BY GOING BACK TO THE PAST!!!

Conclusions on Time Travel Edit

Time travel is an excellent way for young men to score, almost as effective as Corvettes.

Time Travelling Porn Edit

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