Think tanks come in two varieties:
- Liberal Think Tanks, which are an abominable part of the Vast Left-Wing Conspiracy to Destroy America, and
- American Think Tanks, which help Real Americans of All Parties develop original, forward-looking ideas about how to best define and institute the agenda of The Greatest President Ever.
Liberal think tanks are comprised of individuals who get together to "think" of new ways to hate America. Republicans do not engage in this kind of behavior; they neither hate America nor think.
Think tanks grew from a need to strengthen America's moral fiber. While the origins of think tanks are debated, the liberal branch of think tanks began when FDR, the father of American socialism, created hundreds of think tanks to foist liberal ideas onto otherwise God-fearing, America-loving, Love America First, Red-Blooded Real Americans.
Back in the early part of the 20th Century, B.C., Americans were celebrating the peace and prosperity that only efficient, compassionate Republican policies could create and maintain. These policies allowed Republicans to lead and control every level of government. A young FDR knew he could never be elected even dog-catcher under such circumstances, so he exploited Americans' natural compassion by using a wheelchair, even though he never needed one. Americans were sympathetic to FDR, believing he was a gimp. Thus, he became America's longest serving President.
Once elected, FDR surrounded himself with friends and other inexperienced lackeys to hide his lack of experience (President was the very first job he ever had). He gave jobs in America's government to all his liberal elite friends from the liberal Ivy-League colleges. He called these make-work groups of advisory factinista lackeys his "think tanks".
The first consequence of FDR's "think tanks" was to instantly bankrupt the country, sending it spiraling into an economic depression. The Great American Republican, J.P. Morgan, and The Greatest President--EVER!'s grandfather, Prescott Bush were horrified at the situation into which FDR had sent their beloved country, and decided to act fast. They needed to intervene before the President sold our country to Soviet Russia, forcing every American to become a communist, an atheist and a beastialist.
The first thing Morgan and Bush did was get a hold of their good friend, Kaiser Karl Rover von I.G. Farben, a recent immigrant from Germany who had predicted the entire scenario a few years before.
Together, these Great Americans were able to end America's Greatest Depression, win a world war and build 3 nations: a united Germany, a united Japan, and bring peace to the Middle East by creating a united Israel. How did they manage such astonish feats? By creating think tanks of their own, of course. But their think tanks were not the slavering yay-saying pools of Ivy-League educated friends and relations of FDR's liberal think tank model. No, theirs were to be All-American think tanks, comprised of only the finest All-American thinkers: businessmen, entrepreneurs, politicians, magnates, impresarios, robber barons, ideologues, party men, and other heroes who could really set a course for charting a vision for planning a future for a brighter America's tomorrow, today.
Modern Think TanksEdit
Liberal Think TanksEdit
Liberal Think Tanks are comprised of individuals who get together to "think"... of new ways to hate America. Republicans do not engage in this kind of behavior; they neither hate America nor think. Today's liberal think tanks are so far out of the mainstream, they exist mainly on the internets, where their members can get together anonymously, hiding the dual shame of being a liberal and thinking.
The liberal cult in America has become so adept at being un-American, that they have created an entire parallel world where the think tanks rule. In this world, think tanks devising plots to control the national dialogue and throw elections, often 3-5 years ahead of regular Americans.
|Liberal Think Tanks|
|Name of Think Tank||The part of America Targeted|
|Associated Press||fair and balanced media|
|FDA||free-market food and medical choices|
|EPA||free-market pollution controls|
|Congress||private ownership of money|
|The Supreme Court||definition of citizenship and private ownership of property|
|FERC||free-market energy choices|
|FEMA||free-market insurance choices|
|Social Security||free-market retirement choices|
|Sierra Club||free-market mining choices|
|FCC||free-market telecommunication choices|
American Think TanksEdit
Below is a list of American Think Tanks that are proud to contribute to making America a better place for all Americans, no matter which part of America's Planet their All-American activities concern.
|American Think Tanks|
|Name of Think Tank||The part of America Defended|
|TCPR||Anyone who doesn't buy Al Gore's Global warming scare tactics|
|AAGGI||Anyone else who doesn't buy Al Gore's Global warming scare tactics|
|ACDI||The entire Ice Cream eating public|
|WCSGRSG||Those who wish to study Wikiality.com research, as well as those who wish to research Wikiality.com study groups.|
|Katrina Commission||DHS employees and Trent Lott|
|9/11 Commission||Ann Coulter and others who are tired of whiny widows trying to cash in on their victim status to hurt Our Troops|
|The NRA||Second Amendment devotees|
|The Prescott Group|
|Halliburton||Hard Workers, Contractors (no-bid), Vice Presidents, Friends of Vice Presidents|
|PNAC||Constitutional originalists, small government lovers, isolationists, pacificists, supporters of the Geneva Conventions. Oh, wait... PNAC. New American Centurions, Global Leadership Believers, William Kristolnachters, Scooter Libbyterians, Bush and Cheneyites, other neocons, and all true believers in "military strength and moral clarity"|
|The Brookings Institution|
|Cato Institute ||Libertarians for Social Security privatization|
|Freedom House ||CIA psy ops, Freedom Fighters, Neocons, Bazillionaires, Anyone responsible for coming up with Iraq talking point (e.g., "cakewalk)"|
|CEI||Tobacco, Dioxin, Alcohol, Global Climate Change... in general, all things American|
|Coalition for a Democratic Workplace||Corporations and the Free Market from unions.|
|Center for a New American Security||Protecting and expanding the research into interrogation and terrorists the Greatest President Ever has provided.|
- Talking points
- Thinking Tanks, a proposition by Democrats that will obviously end in judgement day.