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Theories are made up by scientists and math nerds who aren't smart enough to understand intelligent design. Sometimes called faux truthiness by patriotic students of the subject, a theory purports to establish a truth by showing that it fits the facts (a fatal flaw) or follows from rigorous logical reasoning (even worse.) The Greatest President - EVER (that's George W. Bush for any tree-huggers that may be reading this) has waged a tireless war against this heresy.

Theories are key components of the battlespace in the War On Science, being the carriers of sick ideas that soften our kids brains and make Baby Jesus cry. Real Americans have the clear advantage in that the nerds who advance these evil teachings are descended from apes, by their own admission. These prima donna primates are incapable of the simple deduction that because the theories are not true (the Bible says so) their precious facts are proved irrelevant. While this bear-inspired conspiracy has got a lot of traction in recent years, God's children have the upper hand, because the Greatest President - EVER is using the Jesus powers granted to him by the Constitution to ward off their insidious agenda. Let us pray for his ultimate victory. Amen.

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