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The Shred Off

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WonkyEarPub08
PuzzlePiece
The Shred Off
is a featured segment of
the Greatest American Television Show--EVER!!!, The Colbert Report.
Bushdance2
Bushdance2
Scandals?! What scandals?!
Bush says lose yourself
to the beat of
The Shred Off


The Shred Off is the name of the official challenge between Stephen Colbert and Chris Funk of hyper-literate indie rock band The Decemberists.

The Shred Off took place on the December 20, 2006 edition of The Colbert Report after The Shred Down which was preceded by Stephen Colbert's Rock and Awe: Countdown to Guitarmageddon.

After winning the coin toss and electing to go last, Funk went first (after all, it's Stephen show.)

Via satellite, Dr. Henry Kissinger started the challenge with this statement:

Flag quote open clear2 Flag quote close clear2
~ Dr. Henry Kissinger
click the quote to hear the immortal words.


Funk's PerformanceEdit

Funk 'brought it' on a demonic BC Rich Warlock axe with a Floyd Rose Tremolo, black in color, pumped through three effects pedals, a Marshall foot switch, Marshall head and Marshall cabinet.

Funk's fancy fingerwork on the fretboard and sparing use of the whammy bar was commendable, but there were a few sour notes and misses during hammer-ons.

Story.colbert.ap

Dr. Stephen Colbert, seen here preparing to shred the classic Jimi Hendrix song "Purple Haze" at a speed undetectable to the unaided eyes or ears.

Flag quote open clear2 Flag quote close clear2
~ Dr. Henry Kissinger
click the quote to hear the immortal words.


Stephen's PerformanceEdit

One of the greatest musical talents in the pundit industry, Stephen took to the green screen wielding a custom 5-necked Hamer guitar, with one of the necks wired for 12-strings, borrowed from Cheap Trick's Rick Nielsen.

Unfortunately, after playing a bunch of extremely challenging guitar songs at a speed so incredible that nobody could see or hear it, Stephen suffered a devastating string cut to his hand, rendering him unable to continue.

Due to the rules of The Shred Off, he was allowed a substitute to play in his stead. Father Christmas responded by sending rock legend Peter Frampton to the studio.

Frampton's Performance On Behalf Of The Injured StephenEdit

Frampton kicked out the jams with an opening riff based on The Colbert Report's theme song Baby Muggles, a subtle nod to Rick Nielsen who composed the tune and loaned Stephen his guitar.

Frampton came alive on a classic piano black Gibson Les Paul, easily covering the frets with his elegant fingers. Playing with a Frampton Talk Box, he turned the guitar into the Voice of The Heroes, shredding for the entire Colbert Nation through twin Marshall 4x12 stacks.

The WinnerEdit

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You've heard the riffs, now let's settle the tiffs.™
Flag quote close clear2
~ Stephen Colbert


After the performances were completed, the job of assesing who truly deserved the title of Shred master went to the judges.

The Judge's CardEdit

  • Rock critic Anthony DeCurtis scored it for Colbert/Frampton since Jack White wasn't around
  • NYU professor Jim Anderson had it for hyper-literate prog-rockers The Decemberists
  • New York Governor-Elect Eliot Spitzer recused himself after a bribery charge arose

With The Shred Off deadlocked at 1-1, the deciding vote would have fallen to Spitzer. But in a startling turn, Spitzer, no doubt at the urging of liberal billionaire George Soros, accused Stephen of attempting to bribe him with a gift basket full of cash during the commercial break.

Kissinger The American People Makes The DecisionEdit

So it was left to The Colbert Report audience to make the final decision. By audience applause, it seemed as though the vote was leaning in the direction of Colbert/Frampton, but, ever the diplomat, Stephen turned to Official Starter Henry Kissinger to ask him who had won. Kissinger's response:

Flag quote open clear2 Flag quote close clear2
~ Dr. Henry Kissinger
click the quote to hear the immortal words.


Which means STEPHEN WINS!!!

First Place PrizeEdit

For winning The Shred Off, Stephen received a copy of The Decemberists' 2006 CD The Crane Wife.

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