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The Positive Effect of Stephen Colbert's Voice on Ficuses is a research paper documenting Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, DFA's studies of vocal influence on common household plants.
In a series of many thousands of double-blind experiments, Dr. Colbert conclusively proved that ficus americana are sentient because they grow better when he talks to them. Through extrapolation, Dr. Colbert posits that an ear of corn therefore needs must have a better chance of forming a coherent thought than a shrimp does. This is the crux of the Colbert Designed Intelligent Principle.
Animal apologist and bioethicist Dr. Peter Singer has demanded that Dr. Colbert publish his documented findings in a peer-reviewed scientific journal. But the paper has already been published in the one place where it matters most: Stephen's gut.