In the early 1800s, an offshoot of the Comanche Indians known as the Awscrewit found a field of poppies and peyote along the Colorado River. Deciding this was as good a place as any, the Indians formed a small village. Word spread among the Indian tribes of this place of wild parties and strange visions. The village became known as Seti Stete or Sixth Street. Soon, the village was home to all manner of people and deadbeats who danced and partied and seldom bathed. Inexplicably, the new Republic of Texas decided to make this aromatic cesspool into its capital.
As more settlers arrived, the Indians decided to sell their “wares” and food at a trading post called Whole Foods. To thank them, the settlers renamed the village Austin and relocated the Indians to the outskirts of town called Round Rock—because cleverly—there was a round rock there!
Over time, Austin boomed with industry such as bars, clubs, a Capitol building-with a bar, hotels (pretentious or cheap-depending on your ahem money situation), and approximately 500 Mexican Restaurants.
Seeking asylum from the civil war, a large group of young people arrived in Austin looking for a place to hide—and party. Responding to the crisis, the town quickly established The University of Texas so that the young war dodgers could become educated. Being short of trained professors, the Governor of Texas offered amnesty to any man in prison who was willing to become a UT Professor. A policy by the way which still stands to this day. All but two men took the offer. The two remaining said they’d rather hang than be a T SIP. Prior to execution, these brave smart men escaped and fled east. They became founders of Texas A&M University.
After the war, the founding fathers of Texas decided that five flags over Texas was a stupid name for a future amusement park. By unanimous vote, they opted to join the union as a state, thus bringing the number of flags to the proper six flags over Texas designation. Following a week of drunken celebration in Austin, it was discovered that the founding fathers had also voted on making Austin the capital of the new state. Other proclamations such as establishing a space command, indoor stadium, and something known as a mix master were deemed idiotic. The city of Austin responded with pride to their new designation as the head of state government by passing out cold.
Austin today is the music capital of the universe. It also has so much pot that they have become a major drug exporter to Columbia. I-35 has been voted the road rage epicenter of America for ten years in a row. HEB Central market has more food on any given day than the entire country of India.
Popular Ethnic Neighborhoods In AustinEdit
UT Campus- Every ethnicity on the planet is here! A few not from this planet
Lady Bird Lake
Hippy Hollow, Barton Creek, Stubbs BBQ
Famous People From Or Living AustinEdit
Matthew McConaughey ,Sandra Bullock, Austin Powers (not really), Mike Judge, Robert Rodriguez
A Typical Day In AustinEdit
Dawn rolls over Lady Bird Lake each day to reveal the dead bodies floating in the reeds. The morning sprinklers come on in the city parks causing the multitudes of drunks to wake up and stagger towards their teaching jobs at UT. From 6 to 7 AM, power washers blast away the fecal matter and other waste on 6th street. The State legislature is rung into session at 9AM promptly. There is an immediate recess until 10:55 AM to allow members to sober- uh gather their thoughts. The Legislature takes lunch from 11 to 2 followed by a two hour siesta. Nothing gets done but everyone is blissfully happy.
Over at UT, the students walk past the Vince Young Memorial library on their way to the first difficult class of the day. 2PM is reserved daily for the students to protest pretty much everything. On Saturdays, the twelve sane people in town gather in a bar and watch the SEC network to be able to see real college football.
Nightly, the bats emerge from under the bridges and proceed to terrorize the town.