The New York Times

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The New York Times
gives aid and comfort to America's enemies. As A True American™,
it is your duty to report The New York Times to the authorities.
Al Franken
The New York Times
Belongs to The Vast Left-Wing Media Conspiracy
Al Franken
The New York Times has earned

The Colbert Report blowing the lid off of the New York Times treason.

The New York Times blames America first and supports the terrorists. It's like a bizarro version of the New York Post. Perhaps the greatest threat that this country faces, aside from bears, it is an East Coast liberal, Ivy-league-educated newspaper that is the primary daily source of "news" for both freedom-haters and freedom-fearers.

Also known as "The Washington Post", the paper releases noxious fumes when burned that sting the nostrils; it is believed they are from the residue of Maureen Dowd's hair dye. Should I even think about reading the New York Times for the news? No, according to Stephen Colbert the Times is full of lies (and "facts"). As he so succinctly put it: "The NY Times wants you and your family dead."


The Times is staffed solely with Factonistas that turn their nose at truthiness. Their "reporting" is always biased against our Greatest President and there is never any gut-checking when writing about any subject. Unlike Fox News, the people working there are not in touch with their feelings. They are not it-getters. We need to help them find out what "feels" right, and to ignore what their precious "facts" tell them to believe.

Staff members include:

Former staff members include:


There are 4 sections in the New York Times

  • Facts section - Running hundreds of pages, this section can be useful as fuel for book-burnings. One should take caution however if one intends to burn this section, as this section is not sting nostril safe.
  • The Sports section - totally devoid of words like "Slay", "Axe", "Destroy", and "Demolish", and tends to talk more about the player's feelings.
In addition they do not mention the Saginaw Spirit.
  • They don't even have a Sunday Comics section. Bastards. Instead that space is devoted to an endless array of useless Crossword and Sudoku Puzzles. The only good thing about these puzzles is that they enable the use of truthiness and, according to Stephen Colbert, are the only part of the New York Times not written by Bolsheviks. This was proven on May 10, 2007 by Stephen's doorman Jerry who showed Stephen the Saturday, May 5, 2007, New York Times Crossword Puzzle which contained the following clue across the top of the puzzle grid:

Real men, like Stephen, only do crosswords with permanent ink.

1 & 8...
named one of
Time's “100
most influential
people” in 2006

The answer is not Phillip Seymour Hoffman, it is Stephen Colbert.

What's a 15-letter word for shit? The New York Times! (also accepted: excrementitious)

  • The Style section. The only worthwhile section in an otherwise useless rag, the Style section upholds traditional values with its Weddings announcements. (Though these will probably be replaced soon by announcements of man-on-horse civil unions.)


Wall Street Journal takes on New York Times01:34

Wall Street Journal takes on New York Times

News Side Story
  • The slogan of the New York Times is All The News That Is Fit To Print, which is a bunch of shit. Their slogan is more like We Will Print Whatever We Want And Not Print The Shit That Makes Liberals Look Bad.
  • It's black and white and read all over by terrorists looking for information on how to attack the United States.
  • The New York Times and several other papers are among the forefront of the factonistas insurgency.
  • Offers bears safe sanctuary within its offices.
  • Wants you and your family dead.
  • The New York Times has had a history of exposing sensitive programs to keep America safe from exposing Lincoln's telagraph taping program to the recent phone tapping and bank account monitoring enacted by the greatest president George W. Bush. The resaon they exposed this was not to be whistle blowers but to in fact help terrorists who don't have to intellect to believe that they are being watched.
  • The only way to get the truth out of the New York Times is to read it upside-down in front of a mirror, while listening to the White Album backwards. Episode #293
  • Is uber boring and mega un-American.


  • Founded by Benedict Arnold in 1776 to spread British propaganda
  • Claims to own the font "Times New Roman"
  • Makes good fish wrap and/or bird cage lining
  • Paul Krugman column is ghost-written by Fidel Castro
  • The New York Times wants you and your family dead
  • their lies take 100 years to biodegradeEpisode #320
  • Won truthiness award of the year in 2067

Secrets RevealedEdit

See AlsoEdit

External SourcesEdit

Al Franken
The New York Times has earned
The New York Times
is one happenin' Jewish cat!
Shalom, baby!

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