|01/01/6000 B.C. -|
|Occupation||Republican Lawmaker, lobbyist|
|Children||Jesus, Steve McQueen, Ronald Reagan, George W. Bush, Fred Phelps, Pat Robertson, Jerry Falwell, Stephen Colbert, Billy Sunday, Peter Frampton and Ayn Rand|
God and PoliticsEdit
All-present God is synonymous with Stephen Colbert and George W. Bush. All-present God elected Bush president and guided his mighty hand as he brought liberty and freedom to the godless heathens in Iraq, who welcomed U.S. troops by throwing rose petals at their feet and welcoming them as liberators... not that you ever see anything good like that on liberal networks like CNN.
Whenever you feel like asking questions, such as "why is the sky blue" or "why did George W. Bush invade Iraq"? Just remember the only answer you need ever know: "because God wishes it." No other answer is required.
All-present God has appointed many representatives here on Earth, including Steve McQueen, Pat Robertson, Ronald Reagan, George W. Bush and Stephen Colbert. God hates Al Franken and all liberals. It says so in the Bible, somewhere in the back.
All-present God was born in Battle Creek, Michigan, and swaddled in the American flag. His mother and father were simple Americans who didn't question authority, preferring instead to just do as they were told and trust in their leaders. God kicks ass and takes names when He has to, like in Iraq... and soon in Iran... and maybe North Korea... ooh, don't forget Syria...
According to the Bible, All-present God loves everyone. But beware His wrath if you mention bears. Humans who mention bears do not count as human beings; God has His own Never Existed list.
There are many different views of God across the planet, but only the Christian interpretation is correct. All other views (Allah, Yahweh, Krishna, etc.) are false and need to be eradicated as soon as possible because they are at war with our All-present God.
All-present God is locked in a seemingly eternal war with His four arch-enemies. These arch enemies are:
There is also a theory that all three are actually Satan, but that has never been proved. We know who satan is.
The eternal war will end with the Rapture, when All-present God, in His ultimate triumph, will suck up all believers to heaven, allowing them to bask in His glory in neatly pressed and folded kakhis and polo shirts forever, Amen.
Turn offs Edit
Unfortunately, there are many people who hate All-present God and His message of love and hope. They actually have the audacity to deny His omnipotent power. These people turn All-present God off and kill His buzz. Such people include:
- the gays
- Bears (especially gay ones)
- Unamerican people
- People believing in science (not approved by God)
- Gum (which is why He destroyed Sodom and Gumorrah)
Turn ons Edit
- God gets His news from Fox, the only fair and balanced news organization in history.
- But only when The Colbert Report is on holiday
- God is a happily married man, but if He wasn't... grrrrrrr, baby.
- The American Flag: God salutes it every morning.
- George W. Bush... in a totally manly way. Not in that Brokeback way.
- Favorite book? The Bible, stupid.
- The pleasing odor of a bullock roasting on the altar.
- Using a chunk of Lot's wife to give His fries more zing.
- The Holy Spirit, people have never learned that it is actually female and pleases the Lord God all day long.
- AC/DC, Queen, Pink Floyd, Led Zeppelin, Stephen and the Colberts.
- Iron Maiden
- All-present God made the hole in the cd and donuts.
- All-present God is inside your head below your thalamus.
- All-present God initially made everyone Republican, but some have sinned and become Democrats.
- Horrible God Made Xbox 360s Die
- Goth god fancies Marilyn Manson.
What God is NOT! Edit
- All-present God graduated summa cum laude with a degree in everything from the University of Wisconsin.
- Runnerup for 'World's Sexiest Man' in People Magazine (He lost to Sean Connery).
- Is hopelessly addicted to candy corn.
- Taught Superman how to fly.
- Has a pet chimp named Beppo who wears a diaper and wore a top hat.
- Together with His son, Jesus, wins the 3-legged race every damn time.
- All-present God is infinitely old, but could pass for 30.
- All-present God hates people who worship false idols, but loves American Idol.
- Has a crush on Soledad O'Brien.
- All-present God is one of George W. Bush's closest advisors.
- Is STILL hiding dinosaur bones around the earth to fool us. What a trickster!
- Is so powerful and loved, everyone calls out His name during sex.
- Was named co-creator of the universe by George W. Bush in 2006.
- Is a critically acclaimed and widely recognized master of Kama Sutra.
- Has an annoying habit of calling everyone He meets "boss" and "chief"
- Remembers every person's name at a cocktail party.
- All-present God only speaks directly to priests or men who truly love white Jesus, like Jerry Falwell and Rush Limbaugh.
- Has pet Holy Goat named Buttercup.
- Has a secret cubby stash inside his beard.
- Punched Michael Jackson at a party, claiming that only he himself was allowed to create sappy songs about the earth and the flowers. He later apologized to Michael in an interview on Fox News, saying that he was under the influence of Jesus Juice.
- Does not actually care much for WikiNerds, though he liked Wikipedia back before it became politically rehearsed and "totally geeked out".
- God is an economist.
- Why is God's PR machine so horrible
- God's myspace blog created in a month after reading HTML for dummies
- Is God Religious? Of course....why else would he have created religion....or the internet....or puppies?
- Colbert Is God Nowhere does the Bible says he is not...
- The Gospel of Prosperity God wants you to be Rich!
- Pledge of Allegiance To God To Show Our Loyalty to the Almighty
- God punishes Indonesia for being gay and hippie
- God Declared Sexiest Deity of the Millennium
- Legislating During Sunday is an affront to God! Unless you are a Republican then it is ok
- God hates BP
- Proof that Colbert is God!
- God could put us out of business
- Morgan Freeman (God) will vote republican this year
- God's approval ratings bigger than Obama's
- God sues CERN
- God and the Free Market