The Internets was invented in the 1960s by the United States Military as a means of protecting our great Nation during the dual-onslaught of the Cold War/Culture War. Through these futuro-techno-tubes, top-secret National Security information could be shot at a staggeringly fast rage of 16 baud. Eat It, Russia! Will your mighty Sputnik protect you against the awesome power of our ARPANET!?!!? Mwmauahahaha!
The ARPANETs (which stands for Army Rulez Project About Nothing Especially Technical) was a top-secret program which the U.S. Troops used to keep our country safe from harm until they figured out some better system like Intel processors (or processing Intelligence) so that they didn't have to monitor actual military intelligence reports themselves. This desire to cede the work of the government to a smaller, more efficient and unregulated system has led to the glorious privatization revolution! Hail capitalism!
In 1980 a bunch of elitist nerds copied the ARAPNETs idea and connected a few tubes between a few universities in America's South in the hopes that if girls couldn't see them, they would talk to them.
Soon after that, then-Senator Al Gore invented the Internet, a less-efficient, poorly designed, smelly, untruthy version of The Internets. Gore's purpose for creating the "Internet" was to spread the word of godless communists, liberals and bears. His "Internet" is also widely suspected of having caused Global warming, which has now been proven to exist by the free market.
When Al Gore first created his "Internet", he tried to keep it a secret. Fortunately for America, the hero Bill Gates added some software to connect an "Internet" tube to the USENETs. Somehow, the ARPANET cables got mixed up in there (kind of like those old Reese's cup commercials), and they all got hooked up with the Apple IIE and/or Commodore 64, and voila the Internets was born! Every American computer now comes automatically installed with an Internets Tube hook-up valve, and the the Internets tubes run to every home in America. You can access this pre-installed hookup on your Internets-ready computer by changing your screen saver to "3D Pipes".
How It Works Edit
According to Senator Ted Stevens,the one who originally invented it, the Internets is a vastly complex collection of bleeding-edge technologies which are seamlessly interwoven through the magic of American ingenuity. The tubes of the Internets run below the crust of America's Planet, transferring data, crude oil, pornography, and Electronic-Mail. The "Internets Tubes" run beneath the entire continental United States, and Canadia, and under some parts of New Europe, especially Poland. There are presently no Internets in Old Europe; however, Bill Clinton did loan Jacques Chirac the use of a series of Internettes in the late 1990s. Stephen Colbert is a fan of the Internets, because the Internets are a fan of him!
In each Internets-enabled computer lives a tiny patriotic elf. When an Internets-American invoke their Internets, the elf writes everything down on a piece of paper, prints it and attaches it to the "mouse". The
mouses mices meece mice are trained to send messages across the tubes. They follow bits of cheese, carrying the paper printouts on their backs, until they get to the final destination. Some particularly difficult mouse journeys are known as hard drives.
To make the journey through the internets tubes easier for the mouses, elves, data, oil, and pornography, Tim Berners-Lee thought up the idea of passing very tiny strings through the tubes so that information, et al would be able to travel in multiple directions. He probably got the idea from "Hansel and Gretel" and the bread crumbs. Once he had woven all the strings coming out of USENETs, ARPANETs, Internets, Super Market scanners, and Tandys together, Mr. Sir Berners-Lee created the "World Wide Webs". In 1989, he used this web to stick the whole internets together through the use of the magical letter "W". To initiate this magic, simply type the letter "w" three times while saying "there's no place like home."
Today, the NSA works every day to ensure the Internets is operating according to plan. They are the ones who clean the pipes, make sure the mice get fed, and keep the elves in order. Elves that disobey orders are deemed terrorists and are sent to Gitmo.
This link takes you to an internets tube designed for beginners.
Nature of The InternetsEdit
And if you don't understand, those tubes can be filled! And if they're filled, when you put your message in, it gets in line, and it's going to be delayed by anyone who puts into that tube enormous amounts of material, enormous amounts of material.
Massive, massive tubes. Tangled up tubes.
The Internets and catsEdit
The cat is the official animal of the Internets.
Concerns About the InternetsEdit
The Internets can get clogged up from time to time, especially if too many pieces of large media, such as movies and
Chuck Norris "jokes", are put in at once. This can lead to you missing an important Internet that, perhaps, a staff member has sent you -- or more importantly, to the delay of your videos of Our Glorious Stephen and/or offers for debt-lessening or penile-lengthening (either of which could be really handy, you never know).
The only way to clear an Internets clog is to call a pair of plumbers who happen to be brothers to come and fix it and rescue any princesses while they're at it.
What The Internets is notEdit
- The Internets is NOT a dump truck. With a few notable exceptions, you cannot masturbate to dump trucks; therefore, they are not The Internets.
- The Internets is NOT Tom Cruise
- The Internets is NOT an old man with a glass eye. Although some old men with glass eyes may use The Internets and masturbate to it.
- The Internets is NOT a houseboat.
- The Internets is NOT a paperweight.
- The Internets is NOT a ham sandwich, although some with mayonnaise may transcend sandwichdom and become internets.
- The Internets is NOT a hobo.
- The Internets is NOT a Communist.
- The Internets is NOT a man-hating lesbian.
- The Internets is NOT a place where the obese should be, because they clog up the tubes and slow down all The Internets. So therefore, Michael Moore, take your hands off the keyboard!!!
- The Internets is NOT a singular entity, (even though it is a plural form subject with singular usage like "news" or "physics".) Since each country has its own
censorship lawslevels of civil liberty and ban sitesfilter tubes that does not follow it, you have a different experience if you surf the Internets from America, Germany, or China.
- The Internets IS, however, a series of tubes.
- map of the internets
The Three Useful Tubes on The Internets (Plus 3)Edit
While the The Internets is extremely large, it contains only three useful websites, plus three:
the Plus 3...
Important Ways Internets-Americans Use The InternetsEdit
- webpages containing information
- Sending Internets to other people
- Shopping on ColbertNation.com
- Instant Messages
- Distributing porn
- Spreading Truthiness
- Tracking Stephen Jr.
- Bear Watching Alerts
- Allegedly sending dirty messages to horny STUDs while working on Capitol Hill.
Gallery Of Tube ImagesEdit
Controlling The TubesEdit
Besides the NSA, there are no agencies that we know about who are charged with policing the tubes.
One bunch of Labcoat Larrys in Santa Monica, California called ICANN (Internet Corporation for Assigned Names and Numbers) get in everyone's business regarding what they can call their tube, although the IANA (Internet Assigned Numbers Authority) does the man's work that the pussies at ICANN are afraid to do.
In 2008, concerned people around the world demanded that certain tubes have ratings like movies and records to protect America's precious, precious children.
Please review the ratings to be used once the program is implemented.
- G- General tube use
- R- restricted tube use
- M- mature tube users only
- XXX- credit cards accepted
- AL- tube for terrorist's use only (short for "al-Jazeera" and "Al Gore")
- For information about "the internet" (lowercase "i") that Al Gore invented, please click here.
- An adventure game on the Internets.
- Song about the Internets
- Diagram of the global internets
- ↑ But should not be confused with The Internet
- ↑ Well, spies
- ↑ Well, generals
- ↑ Some kind of military dudes
- ↑ Ironically, America's Army relied on the world's centers for homosexuality and hippiedom for researching and testing the system.
- ↑ By the elves. Or maybe by the military dudes. Stephen wasn't totally clear here, for once. Maybe it was military elves. We'll get back to you on this.