The Great Lakes

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The Great Lakes
is one of the ways God Blessed America.
ATTENTION: This Page is for Real Americans™ ONLY
If you are not a Real American™, pack your bags and report to GITMO.

The Great Lakes are America's largest source of fresh water, and should be preserved and hoarded. For a time will come when rest of the world consumes all of their water, the America will then be even more the envy of other nations (is this possible? It would be like trying to add 5 to infinity). At that time the USA will be able to trade one gallon of water for 1 barrel of oil. Energy Crisis solved.


The LakesEdit


DramaticQuestionMark Did you know...

Thanks to the Coastline Paradox we will never know the circumference of our Great Lakes? WTF?!

Lake Huron is the second largest Great Lake and is the size of West Virginia, which makes it the second largest lake on Earth. It was discovered by the French who named it after some stupid Indian tribe. Lots of fish live (and have sex) in Lake Huron.


Lake Superior is aptly named, it is by far, greater and therefore more American than any other lake. It is not only the largest lake in America, but also the largest lake on America's Planet. One of the great things about Lake Superior is that it is another method in which God displays his wrath. Some of His most creative works involve shipwrecks and missing ships, and missing bodies.

Shipwrecks such as the Cyprus made the lake notable, it was the wreck of the SS Ella Fitzgerald which made the lake truly famous. The Ella Fitzgerald disappeared during a winter storm in 1997. The ship and its crew have never been recovered. Lake superior is also known for never returning her dead. Perhaps the lake has a taste for human flesh.

The Edmund Fitzgerald

What sank The Fitz?.."Twas the witch of November come early."

Perhaps the most famous shipwreck on Lake Superior is the wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald. "The Fitz," as it's called, encountered what the captain called, "The worst storm I've ever seen." The ship sank and all 29 men on board died. Gordon Lightfoot even wrote a song about it called "Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald." The ship sank on November 10, 1975 and to this day, the family members get together and ring the ship's bell once for each member lost and then a 30th time for all the sailors lost on the Great Lakes. The wreck was found in two pieces with the back half upside down. The bodies still remain undisturbed in the ship. This is due to the fact that it is illegal to tamper with shipwrecks making the only entrance to the ship throught the cargo hold, which doesn't lead inside of the actual ship. Thus the only thing recovered from the ship was the bell.



People are stupid: Lake Erie's Niagara River was diverted in late 2007 to quench New York City's increasing demand for fresh water.

Lake Erie is the 4th largest Great Lake (which makes it also the 4th largest lake in the world). Something isn't quite right about Lake Erie...perhaps it is the close proximity to Cleveland that makes Erie so unsettling.

One positive feature of Lake Erie is Niagara Falls. Niagara Falls has lured both daredevils and barrel enthusiasts alike for thousands of years.

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This postcard courtesy of the Gary Tourism Bureau, shows one of Gary's many appealing beaches.


Lake Michigan (also known as the "Penis Lake", due to it's flaccid appearance), is the third largest Great Lake (and third largest lake in the world). Lake Michigan is the most polluted, and coincidentally, it is the only Great Lake wholly within the borders of the United States.

Lake Michigan contains a great number of tourist resort towns known for their sandy beaches and warm summer water temperatures. These vacation destinations include places like Gary, Indiana, Racine, Wisconsin, Benton Harbor, Michigan, and the ever popular Sheboygan, Wisconsin.


Technically considered one of America's great lakes, but Canada (look at the lake's name!) can have it...after all, this "Great" Lake is the runt of family. The Canadians have neglected their lake so much that Lake Ontario is the entry way for all of the Great Lake's invasive species. These invasive species are better outlined below. Like all Canadians, Lake Ontario enjoys speaking French, socialism, and fart jokes.

Treasures Of The Great LakesEdit


Like the Nazis, The Great Lakes have hidden their gold deposits very carefully. Unlike Nazi Gold, which is often molded into convenient kilogram 2.20462262 pound bars, Great Lake Gold can be commonly found only in flake, or at most, nugget form. United States Geologists know that 1,100 tons of gold are still undescovered in the Great Lakes region. Meaning that 99% of the World's undiscovered gold lays in America.


The Loch Ness Monster is often sighted in Lakes Michigan and Superior. Here (above), it is asking for $3.50.


Despite the constant (and nagging) colloquy of its talking fish,Episode #378 the Great Lakes are blessed to have a great number of these aquatic creatures. Both the both poisoned and non-poisoned varieties. There are over 150 different species of fish living in the Great Lakes today, of which, nearly 77% are indiginous. Luckily, there are no sharks swimming in our lakes looking for humans to eat. In fact there are no sharks at all.

Chemical And Waste DisposalEdit

Like a Real American, these vast lakes do a great service for America. They provide a spot to dump wastes, helping maintain the superficial appearence of cleanliness of the USA. Garbage, raw sewage, animal (and sometimes human) carcusses, and industrial waste are all disposed of in the Great Lakes. In fact, last year, 110 million gallons of chemical waste were dumped into the Great Lakes.

Our Great Lakes should be protected from jealous Canadians wanting them for their own purposes. Some might say that these lakes should not have chemicals and deer carcusses dumped in them, but the United States can (and will) do what we please, because they are ours. America should protect our lakes if for this purpose, because the Great Mormon Lake isn't getting any bigger.

Great Lakes Under SeigeEdit

It is bad enough that are lakes have sea monsters, and crazy tree huggers trying to tell us where, and where not America can dump its chemical/hazardous wastes. But the Lakes also have a number of other threats, including invasive species.


180 foot tall bears over Niagara Falls


As with mostly everything, the Great Lakes being no exception, bears are a constant threat to the safety of these lakes. The Great Lakes are under constant seige from black bears, grizzly bears, and even "fruity" bears who often migrate north during the summer months from such liberal cities such as Madison, Wisconsin.

Bears live in and around all 5 of the Great Lakes. They often hunt fish with half sticks of TNT, and feed on unprepared campers and hikers in the region. Due to the ability of some bears to ride bicycles, bears can travel large distances very swiftly from campsite to campsite.

Invasive Terrorists Of The LakesEdit

Non-native, invasive species have caused great damage to our lakes since they were introduced by Asian and African immigrants in the 1800's. More recent species such as the Zebra Mussel are even linked to terrorist groups such as Al Qaeda, in the Middle East.

Some fact-huggers will undoubtably try to discount the connection between Asians and these Sea-Terrorists or "Searrorists". The best way to fight fact-huggers is to fight fact with factiness. How can one deny the relationship of invasive species and terrorists when you consider that Zebra Mussels are from the Caspian Sea in Asia. Also from the Caspian come the Round Goby and the Ruffe fishes. Also invading from Asia, the Fishhook Waterflea, the Asian Carp, and the dreaded Bythotrephes Cederstroemi have all infiltrated the Great Lakes Basin.

New ThreatsEdit

If invasive commie fish were not enough of a threat, it now appears than an Ebola-like virus is killing fish in the Great Lakes! If this keeps up, the lakes will be void of American fish, and filled with Marxfish ideals.

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