The Fifth Amendment

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Add New Page Talk0 regrets that, based on advice from counsel, will not be able to answer any questions regarding this topic under the protections afforded us under the Fifth Amendment of the Constitution of the United States of America.

However, we will advise that under the fifth amendment all American citizens are protected against double jeopardy, including students. In a recent story coming from Frankenmuth High School in Michigan, this right was temporarily violated.

"Upon entering the men’s room at 9:15 am on a seemingly innocent Monday morning, Mr. Kroeger, the school's government teacher, ran out of the restroom in a manic frenzy. As he cowered in a corner in the fecal – excuse me, fetal – position, his only response to questioning by Mr. Zoeller, the principal, was “Peter did it.” The vice principal, Mr. Kroel, investigated the bathroom where he found the image of a male sex organ depicted entirely using human excrement, a phallic feces phenomenon. Immediately following the accusation and investigation, Peter Oswell Orpheus Paulus was summoned to the office. Mr. Kroel handled all the proceedings where the entire student body assumed Paulus would be found guilty based on Kroel’s track record of suspending innocent students. However, because the only available evidence to convict Paulus was Kroeger’s accusation, he was allowed to go free. Three days later, a tape was found, clearly proving that Paulus had committed the crime; he was caught brown handed. Peter contested that hunger had struck him on the toilet, and he simply decided to have a snickers because that was what the commercials said to do. His hands were brown because the difficulty of that day’s bowel movement had caused him to sweat profusely, and the snickers had melted in his hands. Regardless, Mr. Kroel said it was his duty (pause for laughter) to suspend him one week for degree number 2 vandalism. After hearing news of the suspension, Mr. Zoeller said that Mr. Kroel was being too anal about the punishment and that it had violated the principles of double jeopardy. Therefore, Paulus went free. Unfortunately, Mr. Kroeger has yet to over come his fear of male genitalia and has compensated for it by eating at least one banana everyday."

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