The DeGeneres Paradox

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Be careful when reading
The DeGeneres Paradox
as it might have something to do with thinking...

The Degeneres Paradox[1] (scientific phenomenon)

Describes one's place on the Gaydar Spectrum. Specifically, The Degeneres Paradox addresses the confused state arising when a heterosexual man (with repressed homosexual tendencies) feels attracted to a lesbian, but only when she dances.

N.B. This can only be determined when both the Heisenberg-uncertainty Principle and the Observer Effect have been taken into account[2].

Values on the Gaydar Spectrum
(Figure 1.)
0: Definitely Not Gay
1: Ex-Gay
2: Maybe Gaybe
3: Delusions of Gaydeur
4: Ambiguously Gay
5: Closetly Gay
6: Gay Friendly
7: Pretty Darn Gay
8: Way Gay
9: Dangerously Gay
10: UberGay
  1. GIVEN A male is heterosexual[3]. This places him at the bottom of the Gaydar Spectrum with his GL value at a definite 0 (zero).
  2. GIVEN This male has latent homosexual tendencies[4], as he finds himself attracted to other males[5]. The value of his GL[6] will now depend upon which other males he finds himself attracted to.
  3. GIVEN This male is suddenly exposed to a female. This exposure reduces his attraction to those males most likely to cause a shift in his Gaydar Spectrum readings[7].
  4. GIVEN The female turns out to be a lesbian[8].
  5. GIVEN The lesbian begins to dance. Suddenly, the male realizes an increasing desire for the lesbian[9]
  6. NIXO-FACTO the male in question finds himself in The DeGeneres Paradox.

The Effects of Uncertainty and Observation on The DeGeneres ParadoxEdit

  • Heisenberg-uncertainty Principle (HuP) states that as the certainty of a single particle's location is increased, the certainty of the particle's momentum is decreased, and vice-versa.
  • Observer Effect (OE) states that the act of observing a phenomenon can alter it.
  • Together, the HuP and the OE can cause great confusion in humans attempting to discern their personal sexuality[10].

The value of the sexuality of any given human is measured on the Gaydar Spectrum (see Figure 1.) in two distinct dimensions:

  • where it is on the spectrum (its location or "GL")
  • and how quickly it moves toward another value (its momentum "GM").

According to the HuP, the speed it is moving and exactly where it is is uncertain. To further complicate the calculation, when a human attempts to analyze either value, or when a human realizes a change may have (or is) occuring, the OE alters both the GL and the GM of the human's sexuality, making calculations almost impossible.

T.S.D. - truthiness stephenus demonstrandum


  1. Named for whimsical comedienne (and lesbianne) Ellen DeGeneres, the paradox was first brought to the attention of the American public by Dr. Stephen Colbert, D.F.A. on the February 1, 2007 episode of The Colbert Report.
  2. The formula used to determine what happens to the human's placement on the Gaydar Spectrum resembles a strand of DNA. Some of the more cheeky scientists say it looks more like a feathered boa.
  3. He is certain he is attracted to females
  4. Okay, maybe his GL is 10, but on a scale of 1 to 100.
  5. Note: it need not be assumed for purposes of this proof that all American men are attracted to other males. Just this guy in the example, who shall remain nameless.
  6. His certainty regarding his attraction to females has now been proved to be less than 100%, thereby rendering null his prior claim to absolute heterosexuality.
  7. His GL is now somewhere between where it was (0) and its high point (10)
  8. Note: the declaration of lesbianism by the female will make her no less, and possibly more, attractive to the male, thereby rendering this fact essentially meaningless for purposes of Gaydar Spectrum readings.
  9. Normally the attraction toward a female would lower the male's GL back down to 0. Here, however, the male's realization that he is attracted to a woman who is attracted to other women (but only when said lesbian dances), is a new factor. This factor, the GDeG, adds another as yet unknown variable to the "feathered boa" of the sexuality formula.
  10. This applies only to the liberal mongrel who obviously does not follow The Bible, which clearly states there is only one option when it comes to sexuality: heterosexuality. It also applies to other lower animal species who might also be gay (see: Sheep). In the rare case of infection in a Godly Human, certain corrective measures are recommended. (See: Prayer; Ex-gay)

"The DeGeneres Paradox"
is a part of's dictionary, "Watch What You Say". For the full dictionary, click here.

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