The DaColbert Code

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The DaColbert Code
is a featured segment of
the Greatest American Television Show--EVER!!!, The Colbert Report.


All You Need To Know? He Knows All

The DaColbert Code is a formula for predicting the future that was taken by Dan Brown, author of The DaVinci Code, when it was realized that all the world's answers could be found within various writings by Stephen Colbert and portraits of Colbert himself, ironically brushed by Colbert himself (which is not ironic at all). Being due to the fact that no one has ever found anything of value within Leonardo Da Vinci's mediocre artwork, mediocre even in comparison to that avant-garde nonsense, it is fact that Dan Brown owes Stephen Colbert over $1 billion for copyright infringement, since Stephen Colbert sends all his writings sealed through US Mail, which many in the copyright and patent world call, "the poor man's copyright." Ironically again (this time for real) Stephen Colbert hasn't been poor since he invented Colbert toothpaste at the age of 4, and sold it to Colgate, fearing they would be run out of the business due to name recognition. The DaColbert Code was used on the Colbert Report to predict Oscar winners. Stephen was 100% correct.

There is a movie deal in the works with Paramount Pictures, Ltd, which is set to release the first part of the The DaColbert Code Trilogy entitled "The Liberal Menace" sometime next summer.

The Da Colbert Code In ActionEdit

On the November 10, 2005 edition of The Colbert Report, Stephen unleashed the power of the Code to solve first the Kennedy Assasination:

"We all want to know who killed John F. Kennedy. So let's see: John Kennedy... Kennedy Center... Center Court... courthouse... fraternity house... Greeks... Aristotle Onassis... Jackie Onassis... OH MY GOD JACKIE KENNEDY KILLED HIM!

And then the CIA leak investigation:

"Will Karl Rove be indicted? Well, the investigation is headed by Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald... Gerald McRaney... Major Dad... major chord... Chicken Cordon Bleu... Blue Velvet... The Velveteen Rabbit... bunny hop... Hop On Pop... Major Dad... major chord...Chicken Cordon Bleu... Blue Velvet... The Velveteen Rabbit... bunny hop... Hop On Pop... Major Dad... major chord... Chicken Cordon Bleu... WAIT. Uhhh... Chicken Cordon Bleu, Chicken Cordon Bleu, Chic— cholesterol... heart failure... CPR... RCA... ATM... MIA... CIA... Valerie Plame... The Blame Game... children's games... Red Rover, Red Rover send Karl Rove right over. Compelling evidence. Karl Rove is toast.

Then the Alito confirmation (the Code's solution was incorrect, probably due to a syntax error):

Will the Senate confirm Sam Alito to be the next Supreme Court Justice? Judge Alito... Jared Leto...My So-called Life... Life cereal... Cap'n Crunch... Captain America... American Airlines... metal detector... bikini inspector... Phil Spector... spectator sport... football... baseball.. tennis.. badminton... three little kittens have lost their mittens... if the glove don't fit, you must acquit... OJ... free man... Free Willy... Willie Mays... but you call it 'corn'... corn stalks... stocks and bonds... James Bond... Dr. No... Judge Alito will not be confirmed."


Recently, Dr. Colbert noted:

"If the Saints lose to the bears, there is no God!"

Some people have stated that this proves that The DaColbert Code does not work. However, this "prediction" occured without the use of the infallible DaColbert Code.

There is a God, and He is God, and what looks like Dr. Colbert not being able to predict the outcome of a football game is due to the Saints not praying hard enough, or not showing the proper level of faithiness.

See AlsoEdit

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