Based on Jesus' Beatitudes, The Colbertitudes originate from the Sermon on The Balls, from the Gospel Of Stephen.
- Blessed are the wealthy: for they own the kingdom of heaven
- Blessed are they who see not the suffering of the underclass: for theirs are minds of such great beauty
- Blessed are the humble: for they know how awesome they truly are
- Blessed are the men who have everything: for they shall die with the best toys
- Blessed are the ruthless: for they shall win
- Blessed are those who come in the name of Stephen: for they shall inherit the earth.