"Sometimes it takes a crazy person to see the Truth; if that's true, then I'm a freaking lunatic."
Colbert commends Newsweek for putting him in the "golden corner" of the February 13, 2006 issue, where all the real stories are supposedly broken. ("Example:" golden corner of 1980s Newsweek reports on the assassination attempt on Ronald Reagan, while the cover story is about the Solid Gold Dancers.) Threat Down: Bees top the list because of collusion with bears through honey.
"How many roads must a man walk down before he's hit with an eighteen-wheeler of Truth?"
Colbert mentions the ongoing Danish cartoon controversy and declares that he is against such vile depictions, because he fears for his life. In retaliation, he shows his own cartoons that Danes would find insulting. Colbert places the last telegram he ever received to acknowledge Western Union's cancellation of its long-running service.
"It's George Washington's birthday, and I cannot tell a lie. The previous statement was false."
Colbert puts his brother Ed on notice for failing to give the Report rights to air press conference footage of the disputes between American speed skaters Chad Hedrick and Shani Davis. Dr. Colbert is forced to resort to telling the story using a bong and a hooker doll. Number five on the Threat Down was gay adoption. Roommates topped the Threat-down, though as toilet paper was the cause of one roommate murdering another, bears are involved through "Harmin" brand toilet tissue.
"Side effects of tonight's show may include euphoria, patriotism and painful urination."
Colbert apologizes for not mentioning bears in the previous Threat-down after a woman is attacked by a bear at a Canadian hockey game. Tonight's bonus Threat Down includes only the number one spot, held by bears; Colbert asserts that "they will kill you." Colbert reads the White House's Katrina Report.