The Colbert Report/Episodes/EpGuide/Episode 491

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Production InfoEdit

Previous Episode
December 11, 2008
Production code:
Next Episode

The Check-InEdit

  • Dr. Colbert discusses what he will be doing during Christmas (which is what alls Americans will be doing)

However, His Jewish Friend has other plans:

  • watching sexy vampire flick and lo mein
  • Stephen ends the Check-In by wishing His Jewish Friend a "Merry New Year"
    • Stewart agrees


  • Star Light, Star Bright
"Atheists are trying to take the Christ out of Christmas! What's next!? Taking the Christ out of Christiane Amanpour!?"
  • Twas The Nihilist Before Christmas
"Then, astronomers are trying to ruin Christmas! Sounds like someone isn't getting the new Hubble telescope they asked for!"
  • Phelps! I Need Somebody
"And I sit down with Olympic champion swimmer Michael Phelps! He may have brought home the gold, but where's his myrrh!?"

Flag quote open clear2
♫ It's beginning to look alot like Christmas! Everywhere I go! ♫ Possibly because I live in Macy's!
This is
The Colbert Report!
Flag quote close clear2
~ Stephen Colbert
December 11, 2008 The Colbert Report


  • all Santa has in his sack is haymaker
  • last show for the year
  • War on Christmas
  • Australian astronomers calculated the Holy Star was in June, 2 B.C.
    • your chestnuts will be roasting
  • Stephen will not allow his kids sit on Saint Nicholap


  • Stephen is looking forward to
  • atheists
    • not cute puppies, hopeless puppies
  • Christmas burns atheists up
    • preview to their afterlife
  • they are vicious
  • atheists put up a sign in Washington
    • minds are not enslaved, they are indentured servants
  • atheists taking advantage of loophole in First Amendment
    • overlooking God gave us this land to begin with
  • in Kentucky
    • resolution requires 39A.??
  • unlike Al Qaeda, America's troops are doing God's bidding, etc...(?)
  • fuels atheists agenda with his actions, undermining our faith in God
    • God
  • why would God do what he does
    • people are losing their homes
  • hard for the sheep to follow
  • Stephen's advice to God
    • this morning's sunrise
    • comprehensible
  • God should be more like Santa (coke Santa, not fat, sweaty June Christmas Santa)


  • Dr. Colbert finishes up the annual staff Christmas bonuses
    • they get their own envelop
  • He will show what his life was like before he became a broadcast legend
    • a horse jumps from a platform into a pool
    • doesn't know his way around the celestial clip library
  • singing carols in front of a homeless shelter
    • not singing he was chanting "Get a job!"
  • Bobby still looks succulent in the afterlife
  • Lincoln wants Stephen to return his skull


  • Michael Phelps
  • fourteen-time Olympic gold medalist swimmer
    • to prepare, Stephen shaved off all his body hair
  • Phelps does not have an Emmy
    • which are heavy
  • book: No Limits
  • Phelps turns into an inhuman win machine
  • before a race Phelps listens to Lil' Wayne
  • Joni Mitchell would make him drown
  • if Phelps put his mind to it, he could swim in fire
  • Stephen turns off the TV when they play those human interest stories
    • doesn't know Phelps wasn't born with flippers
  • Stephen recommends that he work to be the least in shape man in the world
  • practices 5-6 hours a day
  • called Dara Torrez (sp) "mom"
  • if Phelps was a winter guy
    • he doesn't ice dance
  • Usain Bolt is the fastest man on land
    • but could possibly skip over the water he is so fast
  • hopes to be in 2012 (although not 8 races)
    • maybe 2010 if Stephen teaches him to ice dance


  • Dr. Colbert comes back from the break eating spectral BBQ
  • he wishes everybody out there in the Colbert Nation a Merry Christmas
    • especially Bobby


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