The Colbert Report/Episodes/EpGuide/Episode 490

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Production InfoEdit

Previous Episode
December 10, 2008
Production code:
Next Episode


  • Chinese Take Out
"The Chinese reveal a new weapon! What could be more dangerous than their fire drills!?"
  • Amnesty National
"And, President Bush is handing out pardons! Unless, you're on death row, in Gitmo or a Democrat!"
  • International Man of Misery
"Then, my guest is Richard Haass of the Council on Foreign Relations! I assume that means how Nicholas Sarkozy and Carla Bruni do it!"

Flag quote open clear2
Remember the old adage: starve a cold, feed a fever, behead a zombie!
This is
The Colbert Report!
Flag quote close clear2
~ Stephen Colbert
December 10, 2008 The Colbert Report

The Axis of Birthdays and ArrestsEdit

  • the big news fairy tale arrest of Rod Blagojevich
    • prepared for media attacks by wearing a helmet
  • allegedly trying to sell Obama's vacant Senate seat
    • selling point: has new Obama smell
  • only FOX and Stephen are talking about it
  • Sean Hannity found lots of photos of them together
    • Stephen found photos of his own
      • at a ballgame
      • Obama oiling Blagojevich with suntan lotion
      • no evidence of tit for tat
  • today (December 10) is Blago's birthday
  • last year's b-day wish
    • get away with your crimes
  • Ted Stevens lost
  • Hallmark birthday/federal indictment cards
    • hey you're not over the hill; you're in federal custody


  • president of foreign relations will be on later to scare everyone, in the meantime ...
  • Threat Down

#5 China (no gong from Jimmy)

  • a man kissed his girlfriend so powerful it ruptured her eardrum
  • the next day he didn't call or he did, and she didn't hear

#4 Asteroids

  • $100 million shield should be built
  • UN will try to negotiate, finally buckling by giving it a seat on the Security Council

#3 Time

  • a leap second will be added to 2008
  • 2008 sucks, why would we want it to be any longer?
  • a threat to Stephen's schedule
  • with his Plan a Second calendar, no room for self-reflection and doubt
  • 1999 free time, he almost swallowed his tongue

#2 Pole Dancing Robots

  • putting themselves through medschool to become an MRI machine
  • corrupting home appliances

#1 Happiness

  • British medical journal shows happiness is contagious
  • plague of positivity threat to our way of life and The Report
  • what would the show look like if Stephen were happy all the time?
  • Stephen would wear pastels and have a segment called "The Joy Down"
  • featuring bears as number 5!
  • Stephen looks terrible in pink; he's a winter


  • this is the season of forgiveness
    • mall security should remember when he leaves with a Nintendo Wii down his pants
  • Commanders in Chief give pardons
    • constitutional cootie shot
  • Clinton used it improperly
    • Obama's AG designee pardoned Marc Rich
  • Bush pardoned the pretzel
    • Segway is still languishing in Gitmo
  • Michael Milkin and Marion Jones knocked over a liquor store
  • Stephen wants one
    • post date it for next week
  • They will go to all-you-can-eat buffets
    • and get banana pudding
  • spirit of forgiveness
    • Stephen will show his mercy as well
  • New year, new administration
    • Stephen has a raging pardon
  • not forgiving flavor crystals
    • pepper banana (?)
  • Stephen doesn't accept Forgiveness' apology


  • toy with countries of the world
    • like toys
  • non-country entities
    • banks
    • universities
    • CNN
    • foundations
    • terrorist groups
  • US doesn't have foreign relations anymore
    • Bush cut them loose
  • the world is not as fun as Vegas
  • where did the world get wrong
    • America is right
  • he is a blame America Firster
  • biggest threat to ourselves is ourselves
  • we should be isolated and medicated
    • a threat to ourselves
  • We are a force of good
  • China is a threat to us
  • when we give China $5 and they give us plastic, it's called trade
  • give one another a stake for getting along


  • Dr. Colbert closes with a quick, yet sincere "good night!"


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