The Colbert Report/Episodes/EpGuide/Episode 487

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Production InfoEdit

Previous Episode
December 4, 2008
Production code:
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  • A Clear & Eventual Danger
"A new report predicts a biological attack within the next five years! That report sponsored by the Duct Tape Council!"
  • Jingle Bell Crock
"Then, I look at some holiday movies that are destroying America! Do you fear what I fear!?"
  • Mammoth Task
"And my guest Nicholas Wade wants to use DNA to grow a woolly mammoth! Hey, only one person gets to play God: Morgan Freeman!"

Flag quote open clear2
Only twenty-one more 'can't-afford-to-go-shopping' days until Christmas!
This is
The Colbert Report!
Flag quote close clear2
~ Stephen Colbert
December 4, 2008 The Colbert Report


  • thjere are beautiful women in the mob tonight
  • Hip-hopketeer
    • Kanye West
  • tin can to the ear listen to pac man machine
  • Kanye twittered the following message
    • WHo the fuck is Stephen Colbert
  • Kanye met Stephen at the 2008 Emmys
    • on Stephen like a pair of venetion blind sunglasses
      • whispered "I will never forget who the fuck you are"
  • Kanye is at #4
  • Stephen is at #2!
  • Stephen was declared the voice of this generation, of this decade
    • if he disagrees, he must fight Al Roker
      • Kanye otherwise Kanye doesn't care about


  • The USA Today says America will face a nuculer or biological attack
  • Stephen recommends India attack New Zealand
    • big flying lizards
    • rock throwing trees
    • fundamentalist trolls
  • awesome war
    • very musical and look awesome
  • Senator Bob Graham
  • Commission on the prevention of Terrorism
  • report: World At Risk
  • we can lower probability of an attack somewhere in the world
  • 6th largest nuculer arsenal
  • terrorists
  • gov unstable
  • hate India
  • scare level on a scale of 9-10
    • get out the duct tape
  • fear vacuum
    • it's real!
  • more likely biological, not nuculer
  • lock down N&B material
    • doesn't leak to terrorists
  • Bush told the commission they all did heckuva job
    • wished Obama well

Movies That Are Destroying AmericaEdit

  • any movie theater can be a drive in if you slam it with yuor hummer
  • holiday movie addition

Yes ManEdit

    • Jim Carrey plays a man who decides to say yes to everything
  • Hollywood pushing its culture of perverseness
  • socialized medicine
  • primate voting rights
  • freaky three ways with a mountain lion and the mailman

Revolutionary RoadEdit

  • Kate Winslet & Leonardo DiCaprio
  • terrible sequel to Titanic; it doesn't explain anything
    • how did Jack come back from drowning?
    • is Jack a zombie?
    • did he not drown because he's Aquaman?
    • Where is Bill Paxton?
  • ruins Titanic franchise
  • TGI Fridays made the rules for the suburbs:
    • buy the house with the white picket fence
    • buy one bloomin' onion a week
    • when you can't handle the stress at work, climb on the roof with a bottle of Jameson and have a good cry while shooting pigeons
  • Suburbs have it all
    • strip malls
    • mini malls
    • outlet malls
    • shopping plazas
    • retail parks
    • Superstore retail outlet plaza malls

1947's Miracle on 34th StreetEdit

  • secular left gets into the act
  • mother of the main character questions existence of Santa Claus
  • Commrade Kringle sending customers to Schoenfeld's (on Lexington) is socialist
    • he's not Santa Claus, he's Chavez Claus
  • in the final scene, Commrade Kringle is able to prove his sincerity ehen the post office delivers sscks of mail to the courthouse
    • once again, big government disrupts the free market with a bailout
  • this movie is the reason we're in this mess now
    • Alan Greenspan saw it when he was an impressionable 40-year old
  • Next edition: The Nutcracker gets the Colbert Treatment for lurid depiction of mouse on tin soldier action


  • he can use DNA to grow a woolly mammoth
    • Stephen gets those spam emails all the time
  • reconstructing these creatures is all Stephen dreams about
  • he brought a tooth
  • new DNA decoding machine to assemble all the bits
  • elephant with shag carpeting on it
  • playing God
  • reason why Noah didn't put it on the ark
    • God didn't want it to survive like the unicorn
  • the woolly mammoth genome cannot be reconstructed, but can be stapled onto elephant DNA
  • no woolly mammoth mice
  • wants to bring back the saber tooth tiger
    • Neanderthals too
  • it would be disappointing if we brought them back and they weren't different from us
  • if we bring them back, they could get their revenge on us killing them
  • bring back plants too
    • so we can learn to survive the next ice age
  • global warming or ice age?
    • scientists can't get their stories straight


  • Dr. Colbert leaves The Heroes with a mystery: will the show return Monday!?
    • stay tuned Monday to find out!


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