Production InfoEdit

Previous Episode
December 2, 2008
Production code:
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  • Number 17 With A Bullet
"A Giant's wide receiver is charged with gun possession! He! Could! Go! All! The! Way! To! Jail!"
  • O Spend All Ye Faithful
"Then, my Christmas gift guide for the rich! First, hire Cristo to wrap an island!"
  • Err Plane
"the, my guest Jeffrey Goldberg says airline security is insufficient! Great, now we have to take off our pants!"

Flag quote open clear2
If you're looking for an inexpensive way to heat your home, might I suggest a grease fire!?
This is
The Colbert Report.
Flag quote close clear2
~ Stephen Colbert
December 2, 2008 The Colbert Report


  • stock market is up 270
  • 401 k is only precatically worthless
  • the dow fell almost 700 stockos
  • National Bureau of
  • reveal your secret family in the video will
  • Kanye West is selling more than Dr. Colbert
  • hasn't been ranked so low since that tween beauty pageant
    • Tiffany had trucker hands
  • no one gets this generation of young people like Dr. Colbert
    • commences to funk for the crowd, requiring a towelling down and a refeshing Zima
      • bottled crap
  • Yo MTV Raps

  • Feeding America
  • the rest goes to Starving Your Enemies
  • buy it for Kanye,
    • his head will explode and we will be covered with sunglass shards


  • Asian children are pushed so hard by their parents
  • 8 gold medals
  • George Takei took advantage of the 5 months when gay marriage was legal
  • Tonight's word
  • he attended a night club with his partner a semi-automatic glock and
    • arrested for wearing sweatpants in a nightclub
  • sentence up to 15 years
  • Atlanta passed a law to rid the subway system of mountain lions
  • Rosa Parks of people who have shot themselves in the thigh in a nightclub
  • saying to a gun don't shoot
    • saying to Plaxico hey don't bring a gun to a nightclub in your sweatpants
  • Dr. Colbert has a relationship with Sweetness
  • bigtoed things have been said about man-gun relationships
    • Sweetness and Stephen cannot have visitation rights
      • Stephen cannot take Sweetness to hospitals when he visits sick children to protect them from balloon animals
  • Rosie O'Donnel is a confirmed bachelor
  • the government must stay out of our sweatpants


  • Stephen didn't shoot himself before the commercial
    • it ricocheted off his balls
  • Christmas Gift edition of Colbert Platinum
    • if you're decking the halls with boughs of holly instead of Halle Berry
      • sing carols around your baby grand piano
  • Miguel Caballero polo shirt
  • Giant white truffles
  • turn your backyard into a Dallas Cowboys endzone
  • 2009 Calendar made of gold
  • if you're visited in the night by three ghosts, you're doin' somethin' right


  • snuck a variety of contraband onto airplanes, Stephen hopes he enjoyed the cavity search from his staff
  • writer/journalist who looks like a Wisconsin dairy farmer & Al Qaeda member
  • The Atlantic article
    • airport security is a waste of money
  • claims we have the illusion of security, not real security
  • take more clothing off
  • not security, it's security theater
  • bit player in a federally funded show (?)
  • the show should be more exciting
  • every tenth passenger should be striped and searched
  • flew to New York and carried the following items with him on the plane:
    • 8" utility knife
    • box cutter
    • extra blades
    • Hezzbollah flag
    • Osama bin Laden t-shirt purchased in Pakistan
    • 8 ounce tube of whitening Crest toothpaste
  • spend money on intelligence
    • before terrorism gets to our shores
  • TSA should never be allowed on a plane ever again
  • cannot get on the No Fly List



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