Production InfoEdit

Previous Episode
December 1, 2008
Production code:
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  • My Jalalabad
"I check in on the war in Afghanistan! I can't wait to see how it's fixed itself while I haven't been paying attention!"
  • No Buy List
"Then, who's on my naughty list!? Hint: it's just the phone book with my name crossed out! I'm kidding; I'm not in the phone book!"
  • Pay Grade
"And my guest Ronald Frier is an economist who studies whether cash incentives inspire students to improve their grades! I'll say yes if he pays me!"

Flag quote open clear2
I'm back from Thanksgiving break!
Now, you have something to be thankful for!
This is
The Colbert Report.
Flag quote close clear2
~ Stephen Colbert
December 1, 2008 The Colbert Report


  • spirit of Thanksgiving
    • soundtrack the #1 album on iTunes
  • He'd like to thank, but cannot
    • it is #16 despite reviews
  • There's something new in every viewing
  • sunglasses display mannequin, Kanye West
  • Stephen will use "courier" when his name is etched into the moon
  • West is not the voice of a generation or a decade
  • Stephen is, followed by
    • Obama girl
    • free credit report band
    • crocs & Kanye tied
  • Operation Humble Kanye Dec 3rd 5pm EST
    • buy Dr. Colbert's album


  • Obama announced his National Security team
    • they don't know anything about Nat'l Sec
      • only one wore a fake mustache
  • Obama is calling for more troops in Afghanistan
    • third most troubled "stan"
  • has never been conquered since Alexander the Great (Stephen says 1947)
  • playing polo with a headless goat carcass
  • Hamid Karzai's iron fist also wears a funny hat
  • make heroin uncool
    • get Al Roker hooked on smack
      • gastric bypass in a syringe
  • 1,000 splendid suns is greedy
  • encourages patient
    • Americans don't do patience
    • no drive thru window
  • gave Axel Rose 17 years
  • Afghanistan
    • Sunny Town
    • Lafghanistan
  • his schtick is to not wear ties to interviews
    • unlike many of his countrymen


  • better watch out, better not cry,
  • Tip Of The Hat, Wag Of The Finger
    • All-war Christmas Edition
      • not all, but all he's pulling out
  • wag-- National Toy Hall of Fame
    • inducted the "the stick"
    • all natural, the perfect price
  • free is not the perfect price
  • Stephen is so angry, he wants to poke him in the eye, not with a stick, but a replica light saber
  • Otter Nonsense
  • wag-- Barbie
    • eco-line of Barbie green accessories
  • conservation goes against everything Barbie stands for if she could stand
  • wag-- Order of St. Nick Greeting Cards
    • created cards for atheists
  • evolution line ending in Santa Claus
  • Darwin in Santa outfit
  • you cannot take the "Christ" out of "Christmas"
    • like taking Christ out of Crystal Light


  • Roland Fryer
  • economist studying to find out if cash incentives improve student's grades, which means we can look forward to seeing Secretary of Education, Alex Trebek
  • studies facts and statistics
  • studies all universes
  • blacks are the worst performing students in America's school systems
    • Stephen is not the first person to call him a racist
  • achievement gap is biggest civil rights concern
  • he watches a lot of TV, but not The Colbert Report
  • the interview ended
  • looking at Chicago
    • an "A" can get $50/class every 5 weeks
    • this turned Stephen black
  • he offered Dr. Colbert some money if he asks good questions
  • second year in NY
    • first year in Chicago and D.C.
  • as a professor nothing more than theory can be expected
  • Professor Fryer did not award Dr. Colbert for his brilliant questions, but Stephen was able to use the who's fastest market to determine that he had indeed earned it



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