The Colbert Report/Episodes/EpGuide/Episode 470

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Production InfoEdit

Previous Episode
October 28, 2008
Production code:
Next Episode

The Check-InEdit


  • Baked Alaskan
"Senator Ted Stevens is convicted by a jury of his peers! Wow, they found twelve corrupt senators!?"
  • Marx Brother
"Then, is Barack Obama a socialist!? I'm not sure, but the fact that I'm asking seems mighty suspicious!"
  • Sherman & Mr. Peabody
"Then, I sit down with Native American author Sherman Alexie! Nobody bring up how we ole-stay their andlay!"

Flag quote open clear2
The following was supposed to contain brief nudity! Thanks a lot network!
This is
The Colbert Report!
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~ Stephen Colbert
October 28, 2008 The Colbert Report

A Sad, Sad, Sad, Sad DayEdit

  • it's been a long emotional day
  • Randy Cunningham was sentenced
  • God decided to send him a buddy
    • Ted Stevens was found guilty of 7 felony counts
  • Dr. Colbert is not crying
    • medical condition where water keeps falling out of his eyes; there is no cure
  • old trick Dr. Colbert learned during his modeling days
    • "Preparation H," de-puffs the eye lids
      • use a fresh tube
  • court claimed Stevens didn't disclose gifts:
    • grill
    • toolshed
    • new deck
    • sled dog
    • steel staircase
    • fish statue
    • mug that says "My other Mug is a fish statue"
  • he never asked for the gift
    • the gifts refused to grow legs and walk away, which worked in Beauty and the Beast
  • nothing is going to break this man
    • he has what it takes to be pardoned by President Bush
  • sneak out through the internets

Who is Barack ObamaEdit

  • Obama has been previously believed to be:
    • secret muslim
    • domestic terrorist
    • mothra
  • recently it has been discovered he is a socialist
  • McCain is targeting his most important voter
    • Joe, the McCarthy
      • people still love him
  • Palin warned:
    • you thought your stuff was "your's"
    • people will come to take your stuff
      • lick everything you own
        • riddled with Bird Flu
  • Barbara West nailed Joe Biden
    • asked if believes Obama is a Marxist; Biden asked if she were kidding
  • Dr. Colbert offered a joke so Biden will know what one sounds like: What does Karl Marx put on his pasta?
    • Communist Manipesto
      • once Obama becomes president, it will be the only joke we'll have
  • what's the real truth?
    • Socialist candidate for president, Comrade Brian Moore
      • nominee for president of the socialist party
  • claims Obama is not a communist
    • says he's a capitalist
    • Obama is not nationalizing the banks
  • says socialists want
    • wants the government to implement real nationalization
    • share a quality of lifestyle
    • want fairness, equality
  • wants workers to control means of production
    • workers will decided Dr. Colbert's PIN number
  • he believes calling Obama is misrepresenting the party
  • if he had his druthers...
    • he would have to share his druthers with everyone

Measuring The Suckiness Of CantonsEdit

  • America is faced with a decision
    • which city of Canton is the crappiest
  • John McCain visited Canton, Ohio
  • Canton, GA Mayor got angry
    • raise inbred children
      • or non-inbred children, they are very tolerant
  • meant Canton, Kansas
    • big fan of silt
  • Canton, South Dakota
    • real assburgh
  • meant to say Canton, Texas
    • remember the Alamo, but good god forget everything you know about Canton, Texas
  • you used to be the home of Hoover vacuum cleaners, even they thought your city sucked too hard
  • home of McKinley memorial
    • If Dr. Colbert had lived in Canton, he'd wished he'd been assassinated, too
    • where tombstones read "Best day of my life"


  • Sherman Alexie
  • author of Absolutely true diary of a part time Indian
    • a good another
  • statue of Christopher Columbus right outside his window
    • psychological warfare
  • Anglos forgive him for attacking the wagon trains
  • forgives him for Small Pox
    • Stephen asked for the blankets back, but dry cleaned first
  • misconceptions about Indians
  • his spirit animal is the squirrel
  • cannot talk to animals
  • 90% Native Americans are supporting Obama
    • no half left for Chickesaw
  • McCain head of Bureau of Indian Affairs
  • support for the good of everybody not just for their little group
  • didn't murder, only embarrassed
  • Dr. Colbert may have been silenced by Alexie's final comment


  • Dr. Colbert reminds America we only have 6 more days until the election
    • and for the liberals, he reminds them to buy their tickets to Canada


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