The Colbert Report/Episodes/EpGuide/Episode 461

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Production InfoEdit

Previous Episode
October 13, 2008
Production code:
Next Episode


  • Main Street Journal
"Who's responsible for our economic mess!? Please let it be William Ayers!"
  • Stock Bye
"Plus, I'll offer my investment advice! I'm putting all my money in foreclosed signs!"
  • Forgetting Sarah Palin
"And my guest conservative columnist Kathleen Parker thinks Sarah Palin should be dropped from the GOP ticket! Well, someone's going to get hunted from a helicopter!"

Flag quote open clear2
Happy Columbus Day! If your name is Christopher Columbus! Everybody else get back to work!
This is
The Colbert Report!
Flag quote close clear2
~ Stephen Colbert
October 13, 2008 The Colbert Report

The New York Times Crossword PuzzleEdit

  • Dr. Colbert asks his mob to save their fuel for the winter
  • Wagged at the New York Times
    • for putting Obama's name in their crossword puzzle over and over without including John McCain
  • 39 down Sen. McCain
    • not POW
    • not mavrk
    • Bush

Market's Come BackEdit

  • Dow made a come back +936 points
    • to change it to whatever the Europeans are doing
  • Hannity started selling Colmes' organs
  • Who's at fault
    • the rich
    • the poor
  • BBC says computerized are panicking
  • Half trades are managed by computers
    • cascading effect
  • the whole mess started when worthless loans
  • 60 Minutes says the computers are unpredicatble
    • coffee make beats him at chess
  • Dr. Colbert is going to try to reach Gorlock
    • Partner at the firm, Hal (an overgrown speak and spell)
      • keeps calling Stephen "Dave"
      • hung up on Stephen
  • Jimmy put up some machine porn to distract them while Stephen comes up with a plan
    • he was wearing a surge protector
  • contributing editor of Vanity Fair, Bethany McLean
    • has to prove she isn't a computer she will try to fall in love with Dr. Colbert
  • a bigger model is not possible
  • blames people
    • took out too much debt
    • convinced people to buy crap instead of gold
  • 50,000 pieces of crap=one bar of gold
  • like faeries all the money will come back
    • the mob applauds
  • believes it will take a while to fix
  • American's have been living beyond our means
  • too scared to give America the bad news that we can't have a new pair of shoes

Stephen Colbert's Bears & BallsEdit

  • Americans have a grim view of our economy
    • CNN 60% thought we are going into a depression
    • the other 40% had their phones shut off
  • Where to find an affordable house
    • refrigerator box
    • prison
    • eBay
  • If you have no computer skills, where can you find a house?
    • bubble of self-delusion
    • shipping containers (PFNC)
  • Another investment opportunity that you can find in your house:
    • unexpressed hostilities
    • bees
    • salt
      • $45-$79
      • convert your money into salt, salary came from the roman word for salt
  • golden rule of investing:
    • sell your organs
    • sell your soul
    • sell yor toxic debt to the government


  • conservative columnist who thinks Sarah Palin should be dropped form the ticket, Stephen will ask which she hates more; hockey or moms
  • she has a new hairstyle
  • doesn't she think she made a mistake
  • she talked for 90 minutes during her debate with Biden
  • her column was designed to get the base going
  • she received 12,000 emails
    • also secretly got them from the White House, off the record
  • her friends are behaving chilly toward her
  • the press is too easy on her because she's a babe
  • she doesn't know what she doesn't know
    • very confident
  • she brought up John McCain's age and history of cancer
  • Dr. Colbert was able to say "this is the woman we need to manage this crisis" with a straight face
    • she should have known better than to ask Dr. Colbert if he could say that
  • would not vote for someone who appeals to our "lesser selves"
    • negative campaigning does not appeal to her
  • hesitated when she realized how Dr. Colbert was going to hammer her
    • and graciously he ended the interview


  • Dr. Colbert says "happy birthday" to "viewer" then asks The Heroes to play it back on your actual birthday
    • he also wants The Heroes to remember that he got us something
      • perhaps this is a hint


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