The Colbert Report/Episodes/EpGuide/Episode 455

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Production InfoEdit

Previous Episode
October 1, 2008
Production code:
Next Episode


  • Sting Of All Media
"Is the news media too aggressive!? Anybody accuses me of that I will punch them in the throat!"
  • Gallop To Poll
"Voter registration is up among young people, who thought they were signing up for X-Box Live!"
  • Charter Course
"And my guest Dave Levin runs some of the highest performing public schools in the country! Huh!? I always thought that was pronounced private school!"

Flag quote open clear2
I think, therefore you are!
This is
The Colbert Report!
Flag quote close clear2
~ Stephen Colbert
October 1, 2008 The Colbert Report

Everybody Calm Down!Edit

  • Still plenty of opportunities for investors
    • 499 of the 500 companies plummeted
      • except Campbell's Soup
      • it's a good time to buy stock in a company that sells meals for 89 cents
  • cans are also called "shares"
  • Campbell's are going to make Stephen Mmm, mmm rich!
  • not as comfotable as frolicking in real money
    • saw Chicken with stars

24-Hour News CycleEdit

  • they all blend together
    • Larry Wolferaldo Doocey360
  • public wasn't informed everytime Taft got stuck in something like a bunch of stuck badgers
  • if a candidate says something about the fundamentals of the economy are strong, the media immediately attack it
    • taken in context
  • Chinese State News agency declared it a huge success
    • reporting
    • Soundstage actually made in China
  • report the facts before they actually exist
  • the McCain campaign declared their man the winner
  • Paulson made pre-history by blaming future histories
  • BREAKING NEWS Hillary Clinton's 2012 administration is responsible for the economic collapse of four years ago
  • Before it happens reporting
  • BREAKING NEWS Federal investigators who called Stephen a liar are terrorists and fat
  • BREAKING NEWS Sarah Palin gutted Joe Biden and wore him like a pantsuit
  • Russia is across the internaitonal dateline from Alaska
    • when Palin looks at Russia she can see the future!


  • the issue that will elect our next president
    • the candidate who gets the most votes
    • scratch and win ballot cards
      • McCain, McCain, Treasure Chest
  • Ohio is allowing people to vote and register to vote one month before everyone else
    • Obama replaced the word "God" in the pledge with the word "Gay Baby"
  • this is bad because more people will vote
  • The Beeficane or
  • The Meat-Quencher
  • New voters support Obama over McCain
  • put traditional values back into the voting booth


  • Dave Levin
    • helped more students succeed than Michelle Pfeiffr and Edward James Omos combined!
  • founded KIPP school
    • KIPP Knowledge is Power Program
    • 66 schools across America
  • "Now" starts with an "N"
  • looks at their teachers as star athletes
    • pumped full of steroids, with 36" necks
  • to make learning and teaching fun
  • acceptance to the schools is decided by a lottery
  • may be a cult
    • sounds like a cult
  • not mystical, magical


  • if you're just joining Stephen, the show starts at 11:30.
    • You snooze, you lose.


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