Production InfoEdit

Previous Episode
September 29, 2008
Production code:
Next Episode

The Check-InEdit

  • Dr. Colbert wishes His Jewish Friend a Happy New Year!
  • Stewart doesn't think he will take part in the festivities
  • Dr. Colbert is confusing the Jewish New Year with the Chinese New Year, which doesn't blow


  • Wall Street Bleak
"Are we turning our back on The Free Market!? And is that a good idea considering what it's been doing to us from the front!?"
  • Death Becomes Him
"And another edition of my segment, Cheating Death! WARNING: you are not covered!"
  • Begala B'Golly
"Then, my guest Paul Begala says a McCain presidency could mean four more years of President Bush! WRONG! It could be eight years!"

Flag quote open clear2
Nation, I will always make eye contact with you!
This is
The Colbert Report!
Flag quote close clear2
~ Stephen Colbert
September 29, 2008 The Colbert Report

The First Presidential DebateEdit

  • Dr. Colbert was torn last Friday, but he was able to see the debate and a midnight showing of Nights in Rodanthe
    • they both had the same amount of sexual tension
  • Who Won?
    • John McCain won with comparative height of Asian peoples?
      • New slogan: McCain '08 Cambodians Are Taller Than You Think
  • McCain accused Obama of not knowing the difference between a tactic and a strategy
    • Tactic: Bush used political operatives to slander McCain in 2000
    • Strategy: when McCain hired those same operatives to work for him in 2008
  • Obama doesn't understand the definition of "debate"
    • he agreed with many of the things McCain said
  • McCain reached out to reptiles
    • worried about health care
    • jobs going overseas
    • rising cost of crickets

We All Won Today!Edit

  • House rejected the $700 billion bailout
    • thanks but no thanks to the bailout to no where
  • House Republicans sent out a strong message that Wall Street fat cats would not get a hand out
    • just tax cuts forever
  • Barney Franks wouldn't know a bad day for the economy if it was 3 feet behind him dancing disco!
    • he will be working hard until Rosh Hashanah
      • if it was Hanukah, the markets would last another 8 days
  • Dr. Colbert checked his laptop for the status of the stock market, saw that it fell 777 points, then wrapped it into his hobo bindle
    • in the event of an economic meltdown laptops can be bartered for baked beans

Tonight's Word: Ye Of Little FaithEdit

  • the free market requires faith, similar to believing in God
    • they're both all around us
    • guides us with an invisible hand
    • inspires towers
      • apparently compensating for something
    • answer to all our problems
    • doubt causes them both to withhold their precious gifts
  • the market is not infallible
    • the market is a dangerous and destructive God
  • Job rode high on a children and livestock bubble
  • market may not be like the Judeo-Christian god
  • it may be like a blindly vengeful god with a thousand hungry mouths, who comes in the form of a winged serpent to destroy the universe with a black flame, like an ancient God of wrath
    • the High Priests of the market place, who enter the holiest of holies go mad

Prayer Of Laissez-faire Capitalists!Edit

  • Hear me O children of capitalism!
  • Thou shalt not abandon the One True God for the false idols of Socialism!
  • We must believe even harder!
  • Our god demands sacrifice!
    • I do not mean regulation, but human flesh!
  • Lo, for the true believers hath already thrown Lehman Brothers, AIG, WaMu, Wachovia into the mouth of the beast
  • Yet it still hungers!
  • Let it also now feed upon Main Street!
  • True believers would rather lose their lives to the market than admit government should have any role

Cheating Death With Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, DFA!Edit

Brought to you by Prescott Pharmaceuticals, makers of the world's largest "Do not take if pregnant" warning label

  • Heart Health
    • high blood pressure
    • listening to Mozart lowers
    • Wanger makes you want to invade Poland
  • Prescott: last word in medicine, because "Prescott" is often literally our patients' last word.


Paul Begala

  • recently called Bush a "high functioning idiot"
    • also wore a yellow wrist bracelet, not a red one
  • wore a flag pin
    • Secret Service gave it to him
  • he is a Democrat operative
    • nothing he says can or will be believed
  • book: Third Term: Why George W. Bush Hearts John McCain
  • Bush is acting more like a liberal
    • finally talking about timetables
    • taking an interesting in Israeli-Palestinian conflict
    • trying to nationalize our financial system
  • leadership you have to believe in
    • because you can't understand it
  • says Democrats make love not war and that Republicans cannot do either
    • claims the republicans don't know how to screw anybody


That's it for The Report everybody, good night!


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