The Colbert Report/Episodes/EpGuide/Episode 443

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Production InfoEdit

Previous Episode
September 3, 2008
Production code:
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  • Elephant Men
"The Republicans finally have their convention! Just when you thought Minnesota couldn't get any whiter!"
  • Dems Da Bomb
"And, which party is stronger on national defense!? I say we settle it with a war!"
  • Doris Day
"Then, I sit down with historian Doris Kearns Goodwin! (whispering) I told her this was Meet The Press!"

Flag quote open clear2
Those republican speakers dished up a lot of red meat last night! They should have their colons checked!
This is
The Colbert Report!
Flag quote close clear2
~ Stephen Colbert
September 3, 2008 The Colbert Report

Reporting Live From New OrleansEdit

  • Dr. Colbert was in St. Paul yesterday, and moved everything to New Orleans
    • Hurricane Gustav left
    • people have returned
    • no reports of looting
      • Dr. Colbert was really careful
  • Dr. Colbert wishes he was back in St. Paul
  • after her speech Sarah Palin shot and field dressed a moose

Republican National ConventionEdit

  • theme was "Service"
    • specifically Courge and Service of John McCain
    • Fightin' Snoozers 87th Light Nap Brigade

In Comparison, The Democrats...Edit

  • General Fig Newton
    • Battle of Lorna Doone
    • not lead into combat by a cookie that thinks it's a fruit
  • Susan Eisenhower
    • she left the GOP party a couple weeks ago
      • an independent
    • won't vote the historic pandering of Sarah Palin
    • her grandfather was not commander in chief of Alaska National Guard

Leaked CommercialEdit

  • republicans found their message
    • the true party of change
    • changed the reason to go to war
    • changed the meanings of war
  • John McCain is different
    • tells the truth no matter how hard it is to hear
  • need to do more to court the ladies
  • unnamed campaign aid leaked a new commercial
    • John McCain: Her Story
  • He'll Get Back To You
  • He Was On Ellen
  • It's Like He Has A Vagina


Doris Kearns Goodwin

  • is it hard to be an historian is when men like Dr. Colbert changes stuff all the time
    • her next book should include the part
  • what does it matter if the VP knows anything about foreign policy?
    • 9 out of 44 vice presidents became presidents
    • Palin is 20% qualified
    • waving a picture of her is enough
  • has McCain stolen thunder
    • Obama will have to name first hermaphrodite AG
  • conventions in the old day
    • not fait accompli
  • Dr. Colbert gave her some Mardi Gras beads, but she didn't remove her top
  • conventions used to be fun
    • nuns dressed up carrying signs saying Nixon was the one who got them pregnant
  • what did Lincoln's VP do?
    • check his beard for ticks
    • Mondale changed things!
  • Obama will bring the Constitution, the Bible and her book, Team of Rivals: The Political Genius of Abraham Lincoln


  • Dr. Colbert will see us tomorrow in St. Paul, Minnesota!


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