The Colbert Report/Episodes/EpGuide/Episode 386

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Production InfoEdit

Previous Episode
April 24, 2008
Production code:
Next Episode

The Check-InEdit

Dr. Colbert is upset about the endless contest that had been going on for three months. His Jew Friend mistook his emotion for the Democratic campaign, but he was upset about American Idol.


  • Hungry, Hungry Humans
"The global food shortage reaches America! Just in time for swimsuit weather!"
  • Paved New World
"Then, a hero's cleaning up our streets! I hope he starts with those annoying yellow lines!"
  • Oy Vey Maria
"Plus, I sit down with Maria Shriver, who's written a book encouraging high school students to find their place in the world! The answer: Iraq!"

Flag quote open clear2
The truth shall set you free, unless you've killed somebody. In which case, remember: tell the cops they were breathing when you left!
This is
The Colbert Report.
Flag quote close clear2
~ Stephen Colbert
April 24, 2008 The Colbert Report

Great News For General David Petraeus!Edit

  • he is promoted to head of CENTCOM
    • proof we're withdrawing troops
  • Nutmeg and Myrrh trade is ours!
  • if he was a failure, he would get Medal of Freedom
  • Jimmy Carter gets nothing
    • Stephen no longer recognizes him as a former president
    • 39th President was Nell Carter

Threat Down!Edit

  • Threat #5: Little League!
    • issued copyright infringement lawsuit against Christian Little League
    • players named Jesus will have to change them to "Happy Holidays"
  • Threat #4: Bulls!
    • Spain's national past time
    • the bulls are juicing
    • bulls are role models for veal
  • Threat #3: Bees!
    • blossom sluts
    • squatting in empty foreclosed houses
  • Threat #2: Rationing!
    • Rice is limited 80 pounds
    • Stephen unable to make kiddie pool paella
    • Stephen calls for his Rice Interns
    • ordered to buy 80 pound of rice each, have suicide pills, must get receipt
  • Threat #1: Bears!
    • Paramus, the shopping mecca, the rodeo drive of New Jersey
    • threat to irregular, discounted merchandise
    • two bears!
    • the female left the forest for retail therapy, which means they're evolving!



  • Maria Shriver
    • Stephen will go easy on her so her husband doesn't come back from the future and kill him
  • book Just Who Will You Be?
    • wrote it as a commencement address


  • Stephen stood to say good night


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