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The Colbert Report/Episode/591

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Production InfoEdit

FlyingEaglePREV
Previous Episode
Date:
July 27, 2009
Season:
Season5
Episode:
591
Production code:
5100
FlyingEagleNEXT
Next Episode


IntroEdit

Tonight
  • A-Tasing Grace
"Tasers in law enforcement! My report may shock you, if not, the police will!"
  • Justice I Suspected
"Then, another criminal brought to justice! And, sadly, it wasn't with a taser!"
  • Swedish Def
"Plus, my guest is Swedish, swing, hip-hop, jazz band Movits!! After they play, we'll put together my IKEA futon!"


Flag quote open clear2
If anyone at Comic-Con found a pair of dark brown Princess Leia pin-on buns with the initials "S.C."--they're not mine! But you can send them here!
This is
The Colbert Report!
Flag quote close clear2
~ Stephen Colbert
July 27, 2009 The Colbert Report



Sarah Palin's Free!Edit

  • Americans mourned the Alaskan way:
    • by committing manslaughter in the lower 48 and fleeing to the Yukon
  • at first Sir Dr. Colbert was devastated; but now he sees the bright side:
    • Sarah Palin is free! She can finally spread her wings and fly
      • in a helicopter to shoot wolves
  • she resigned with a year and a half left in her first term
  • Now she has a million-dollar book deal
    • she quits writing on the tenth page, because since the book will end anyway, she chooses to leave the last 200 pages blank
  • Sir Dr. Colbert has always been impressed with her eloquence, saving the most eloquence for her farewell speech:
soaring through nature's finest show.
Denali, the great one, soaring under the midnight sun.
And then the extremes. In the winter time it's the frozen road
that is competing with the view of ice fogged frigid beauty,
the cold though, doesn't it split
the Cheechakos from the Sourdoughs?
And then in the summertime such extreme
summertime
about a hundred and fifty degrees hotter
than just some months ago, than
just some months from now,
with fireweed blooming
along the frost heaves and merciless rivers that are rushing
and carving
and reminding us that here,
Mother Nature wins.
It is as throughout all Alaska that big wild
good life teeming along the road that is
north to the future.Gawker
  • Stephen was so moved, he wanted to pay homage to her by saying goodbye to her in the same manner he imagines she writes her own speeches
  • Sir Dr. Colbert retrieved a red and black checkered hunting cap from The C-Desk and began ...
Sarah; (pulling a slip of paper from the cap which read)
[CHERISHED FREEDOMS]
[IS THAT]
[SOME MAY SAY AND TO THOSE SOME]
[GAS PIPELINE]
[TO THOSE BRAVE SOLDIERS]
[SNOW MACHINES]
[PALS AROUND WITH]
[PATRICK THE STARFISH]
But, mostly Sarah, you'll be missed because you are the ...
[U.S. AMERICAN]
of
[YOUR CHOICE OF TOPPINGS]

Truer words were never randomly generated.

Law Enforcement & TasersEdit

  • our gun rights are under attack from bleeding hearts
    • and not just those who've been shot
  • Americans can compensate with a taser
    • when you really want to shoot someone, but killing them seems like overkill
  • America's Founding Fathers would have included the taser in the Constitution, if Franklin had perfected his design in time
    • the glitch was convincing the criminal to hold the kite string
  • the original purpose of the taser was the painful hazing ritual for local newsmen
    • there's even a new Emmy category: Best Involuntary Spasms
      • one caveat: you have to be tased first (Sorry Glenn Beck)
  • Tasers can also be used to subdue anyone who doesn't obey you
    • tasers can make people detained by the police get more on the grounder
  • tasers have long been used to take down rampaging criminals
    • like 72-year-old great grandmother Kathryn Winkfein (YouTube)
    • Ms. Winkfein threatened to castrate a police officer with a 12-inch bowie knife (refused to sign her parking ticket)
    • then made him shove her
    • ultimately uttering the three words that gave him no choice but to pull out his taser:
Winkfein said, "I dare you."
  • standard police procedure is to tase on the first dare
    • on a double-dog dare, you sic two dogs on the perp
  • defibrillating old ladies seems to be "fine"
  • she should write Officer Bieze a "thank you note" once her hand stops spasming
  • Tasers are effective tools for any law enforcement situation
  • Stephen's Conscience tries to gently let Stephen know that nothing justifies electrocuting a great grandmother
    • But ... (Stephen tries to interject)
  • Stephen's Conscience attempts to persuade Stephen that just because the police have tasers doesn't mean they have to use them on every single defenseless person who happens to disagree ...
    • Stephen suggests that police should use tear gas instead
      • Stephen's Conscience tries to clarify
    • Stephen offers instead night sticks
      • Stephen's Conscience again disagrees
    • Stephen asks if attack dogs would be preferable
      • once again Stephen's Conscience tries to control the conversation
    • Stephen asks if firehoses would be better
      • frustrated Stephen's Conscience demands a taser to get Stephen to stop talking

SEGMENT3Edit

  • America is nothing if not a nation of laws
  • Henry Louis Gates was outraged after being arrested for breaking and entering his own home
    • he should walk a mile in the policeman's shoes
      • then arrested for shoenapping
  • Sir Dr. Colbert has done his part
  • he's proud to present another award-eligible report about criminals getting their due, with another edition of:
  • crime is on the rise
  • public libraries are not safe from crime
    • communities decide who is taxed and how much to support them
  • public libraries depend on everyone following the rules
    • without the rules there would be total chaos
  • Dominic Philip is fine with total chaos
    • his mother says he is addicted to reading and is obsessed about when they will go to the library next
    • his sister calls him a "nerd"
    • he circled the Nazareth Library Summer Reading program on his calendar weeks in advance
  • Dominic lead a parade through the library
    • tooting a kazoo
    • it was covered in the local paper
      • fame is part of the high
  • the news story revealed that Philip lived in nearby Tatamy, Pennsylvania, which does not pay any taxes to support the library
    • making the Tatamy residents ineligible to use the library
  • Sir Dr. Colbert says to throw the book at him, but he'd just read it

InterviewEdit

  • tonight's guest is a swing, hip-hop, jazz band
    • for anyone expecting a swing, hip-hop blues band, you're out of luck
  • they are Swedish and a few years behind America
  • the only things to rap about in Sweden are:
    • lingonberries
    • they no longer control Norway
    • and apple thieves
  • they are from a socialist country
    • where people have to cut their hair the same length and wear the same glasses
      • they believe Americans should have socialized healthcare
  • they do not know anyone on the Nobel Prize Committee
    • in order for them to get Stephen one of those prizes you have to know the King
    • if he were to visit, they will do what they can to introduce them

PerformanceEdit

EpilogueEdit

  • Sir Dr. Colbert thanked his guests Movits! then wished The Heroes a goodnight

GalleryEdit

This is an abbreviated gallery. For the full gallery, click here

Official Truthy VideosEdit

External TubesEdit

  • [URL Link Title]
  • [URL Link Title]

Reviews and CommentsEdit

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