The Colbert Report/Episode/590

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Production InfoEdit

Previous Episode
July 23, 2009
Production code:
Next Episode

The Check-InEdit

  • Dr. Colbert is the last sandman
    • Anal probes on Alpha Centauri are expensive
  • apparently they only do Check-Ins once a week


The show begins without Statements of Truthiness


  • Dr. Colbert has something in his throat
    • Obama tried to shove his healthcare down it
  • keep out of people ERs, have Obama's speech on the TV
    • shamble out on their bleeding stumps
  • can't explain your billion dollar plan in 30 minutes or less
    • scrap it, Stephen gets his pizza free
  • why not play half price for the thing?
    • Stephen has seen this before
  • Healthcare Reform is the Matrix
    • floor-length leather trench coats
  • First part would be amazing
    • the next 2 parts would suck


  • Sean Hannity is on the case
    • aired a warning on Obamacare
  • horror stories
  • Dr. Colbert is going to help Hannity scare the crap out of you
  • expert victim
    • from Canada Martin Parnell!
  • Montreal hospital with chest pains
  • First call: Benjamin R. - Nyack
    • rationing means when things look bleak
      • private
  • Susan S. - Grand Rapids
    • Claude direct from Paris will answer
    • France's shoddy healthcare gave him a heart attack, invisible death trap
  • Darryl G. - Queens
    • cover mental health?
    • Salvador from Spain
    • on a scale from 1 to 10; the answer is "egg"
  • truer words were never spoken

Threat Down!Edit

#4 U.S. Senate

  • cut funding for F-22
    • 100 that have never been used
    • state of the art in 1979

#3 Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates, Jr.

  • a man with 50 degrees
    • almost 5'4"
    • police dropped the charges
  • Obama associates with burglars

#2 Bill Gates

  • control the weather
    • cool the warm water
    • no matter what weather he tries for
    • better to spray the gay people

#1 Unemployed Wilford Brimley

  • no longer doing commercials for Liberty Mutual
    • too much free time means only one time
    • Henry Louis Gates let Brimley into Colbert's house
      • there's no oatmeal


  • he has a beef with the notion that the hall of fame is a religious
    • not great human beings
  • Hall has a rule of five
    • not kowtowing to big math
  • in 1926 Ty Cobb pistol-whipped a Chinaman at second base
  • 1889 injested monkey testosterone
  • he hoped to improve his pitching
  • took amphetamines
    • Babe Ruth drank publicly during Prohibition
  • he thinks Mickey Mantle was on the grassy knoll
  • the problem is the cover up, not the behavior
    • today everyone is using something
  • Stephen suggests adding a notation to the back of a player's baseball card about the substances the player took
    • kids can root for the player and the pharmaceutical company supplying him


  • don't tell Dr. Colbert how the show ends; he's TiVo-ing it!


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