The Colbert Report/Episode/589

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Previous Episode
July 22, 2009
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  • Sniper Trifle
  • Papal Tunnel Syndrome
  • Free Radical

Flag quote open clear2
A mother's work is never done, which reminds me: Mother, cue the theme music!
This is
The Colbert Report!
Flag quote close clear2
~ Stephen Colbert
July 22, 2009 The Colbert Report


  • We knew it was bound to happen
    • the 40th anniversary of the moon landing
    • Michael Jackson's death
  • China
    • an eclipse is a heavenly dog eating the sun
  • Indians avoided it as a bad omen
  • evil spirits fear cowbells and burning Christmas trees
  • Galactic Overlord returns the sun and addresses the people of Asia
    • return outsourced jobs
    • forgive our debts & General Cho gives secret recipe


  • Morality police are after Dick Cheney
  • Rush Limbaugh is a teddy bear who makes fun of people with Parkinson's
  • CIA's tradition
    • poisoning his ice cream
    • TB-laced scuba diving
    • exploding
    • bird seed under an anvil
  • Gerald Ford made it illegal to continue assassinations
    • Carter promised (tougher than he looked)
      • assassinate Ford with exploding peanut
  • TGPE only made it look he wasn't going after Bin Laden
  • rearranged the letters in "Leon Panetta"
    • it spell Ayman Al-Zawahri(sp)
  • Why is drone assassination legal, but dart gun assassinations isn't?
  • Why does Congress have to know?


  • Dr. Colbert always hates to see bad things happen to
  • The Pope hurt his wrist
    • loves Popes and Wrists
  • The Vatican says it wasn't serious!
    • unable to give the Papal Blessing
  • only one degree separates Stephen and the Pope: Jesus!
    • Jesus is Heaven' Kevin Bacon (Heaven Bacon)
  • Two monks joined Stephen to deliver some Latin


  • Stephen doesn't understand technology, therefore it's magic
  • free vs. premium
    • freemium
  • go to a doctor get all tests for free, but the results are extra
  • things that can become software, become software, which then becomes free
    • anything that can't be, there's a fee
  • Stephen is not free
  • Stephen has more Twitter followers


  • Dr. Colbert is playing his table like a piano as The Heroes return from the break to tell us that's all for the show and he that wishes us a good night!


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