The Colbert Report/Episode/588

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Production InfoEdit

Previous Episode
July 21, 2009
Production code:
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  • Workin' On A Cheney Gang
  • Beatin' Census
  • Caroll Chatting

Flag quote open clear2
It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye! Then it becomes a game of Find the Eye!
This is
The Colbert Report!
Flag quote close clear2
~ Stephen Colbert
July 21, 2009 The Colbert Report


  • 40th anniversary of moon landing
    • one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind followed by
    • four decades of standing around and asking "Now what?"
  • the networks reaired coverage of the landing
    • New York Times reprinted their front page
  • Dr. Colbert re-airs his broadcast from July 20, 1969
    • Mmm! Paint Chips!
      • they're low-carb

The WordEdit

  • Stephen ...(?)
    • if Go wanted us to have hindsight, He would have put eyes on our butts
  • Holder wants to investigate
  • Tonight's word: A Perfect World
  • in theory to make sure we don't torture, is to punish those who approved it
  • investigating prisoner torture would be like a food fight
    • especially against Dick Cheney
  • Salon's Glenn Greenwald gave Chuck Todd a wordboarding
  • NBC News' Political Director
  • In A Perfect World the news would not be debated on the TV
  • journalists demand to investigate
    • it's not a perfect world
      • because we tortured and we're not going to investigate


    • stuffing voter rolls with cartoon names
  • the federal government should only collect
  • after Katrina, ACORN members formed a symbolic human levy
  • Bertha Lewis [1]
  • ACORN is the largest membership organization
  • why care about poor people?
    • she can't back it up
  • 250 groups are helping The Census
    • ACORN is running it
      • Stephen heard she say they're running it
  • Stephen's version of The Census
    • age 58
    • # of sexual partners
  • Bertha had one for Stephen:
    • Stephen has had only one sexual partner (he's married)
    • has lesion on taint in the shape of Spain
      • can see all of Spain (but not Portugal)
  • ACORN also fights against predatory lending
    • but, predatory lending is the law of nature
  • she thinks the housing market obeys the law of nature
    • thin the herd or poor people will overgraze
  • Stephen sang a selection from The Lion King, incluing:
    • Hakuna Matada(sp)
  • she has been to Africa
  • Stephen has been to Scotland


  • it's complicated
  • he believes we should have government healthcare for everyone
    • he wants us to be European
  • Europeans have never dealt with an insurance company that cares for them
  • Medicare is fine for old people
    • they have nothing to lose
  • bureaucrats between a patient an their doctor
    • year-long backlong for a woman in labor
  • people are afraid
  • not talking about accuracy; they're talking about what Stephen feels
  • evidence
    • pays less
    • better outcomes
    • covers everyone
  • plan being proposed is not a single-payer plan
  • most efficient system
    • we need single-payer
  • if people aren't healthy, they can't work. When they can't work, they can't pay taxes
  • taxes don't pay for Stephen's jetskis
  • he tried to surrender
    • DeMint says this is where GOP will break Obama
  • Obama gave his enemies his timetable
  • 1,000-page bill



  • the opinions expressed during his show are his own;
    • the chip in his head only makes suggestions


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