The Colbert Report/Episode/587

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Production InfoEdit

Previous Episode
July 20, 2009
Production code:
Next Episode


Show started without Statements of Truthiness


  • Dr. Colbert's hair is coming back
  • his influence
    • news anchors still wear ties
  • appropriate for Democratic Convention of 1968
  • Cronkite family has not yet booked the Staples Center
  • Stephen covered Cronkite using the style of today
    • he will be missed


  • as a white male, Stephen is being reverse discriminated against
    • People tell Stephen he's white, and he believes them because he's not a New Haven firefighter
  • Stephen believes 3/5ths of blacks should have volunteered during the Civil War
    • white people can call each other something that no one else is allowed to: "Senator"
  • white people are the new black people
  • in a speech to the NAACP, Obama said no more excuses
  • people who have been black for more than a week
  • he is a tall, thin black man that people surfing channels might mistake for Obama and tune in
  • Obama's speech to the NAACP was a speech for all Americans
    • not just black or white Americans
  • categories are handy
  • whites had to give up discrimination
    • you're welcome
  • Stephen is being discriminated against
  • Mr. Canada couldn't find a place where white men are institutionally discriminated against
  • Obama was trying to make it clear that he was holding all Americans accountable

The Sport ReportEdit

  • screw Gatorade, when Stephen needs electrolytes, he'll throw a toaster into the tub!
  • Football
    • Dallas Cowboy quarterback Tony Romo broke up with Jessica Simpson
  • New Zealand fun facts
    • brothels are legal
      • gives Hobbits a chance to get laid
    • lots of sheep, encouraging sex with humans
  • next segment is brought to you by Bud Light & Bud Light Lime
    • Ultimate Fighting Championships
      • awkward spooning
  • Stephen loves the taste of Bud Light
    • which gives him a thirst for Bud Light Lime
      • Coors Light is also a sponsor (doesn't taste anything like Palmolive Dishwashing soap)


  • a scientist who opposes manned space-flight (he doesn't have his own treadmill in space)
  • how did he celebrate 40th anniversary of man on moon
    • we kicked commie ass
  • long-time critic
  • there's two NASA's
  1. goes to Saturn and looks at it's moons and Hubble
  2. then there's the one where astronauts sit on the ISS
  • there's romance
    • toilets backing up
  • we've learned plumbing from NASA
  • what we can do on the moon
    • plant flags
    • play golf
    • drive lunar rover
  • why are we going to Mars
    • we want to find life
    • and oil
  • find extraterrestrial life
    • bring them Jesus
  • all Stephen needs is sunlight and Bud Light Lime to live
  • when man is trapped in a spacesuit for his trip to Mars he will only have one sense:
    • sight
  • robots have better eyes
    • but if they can begin to tell us what they feel being on Mars they will rise up


  • Dr. Colbert gives a quick send off and a good night


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