The Colbert Report/Episode/586

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Production InfoEdit

Previous Episode
July 16, 2009
Production code:
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  • Habeas Bias
  • Pain, Pain Go Away
  • Debt Offensive

Flag quote open clear2
The Sears Tower is now called The Willis Tower! Wow, Bruce Willis is loaded!
This is
The Colbert Report!
Flag quote close clear2
~ Stephen Colbert
July 16, 2009 The Colbert Report


  • lotta news out there
  • what should Stephen talk about
  • Emmy nominations were reported!
    • Colbert Report received three!
  • Outstanding individual performance
    • discontinued
    • didn't want it taken away
  • ice men
    • still nostalgic for those days
  • this is not about Colbert
    • Letterman, Conan, Neil Sedaka
  • deserves recognition for their accomplishments
  • Outstanding Individual
    • Mother Teresa
    • Martin Luther King
    • Leonardo DiVinci
    • John Stewart
    • Stephen Colbert
  • will be announced September


  • never let past life experience
    • who knows what will happen next time
  • court must be like baseball
    • Scalia might be juicing
  • vast majority of Supreme Court justices have been neutral
  • Alito takes his life experiences into account, but neutrally
    • he can do it, Sotomayor cannot
  • in America white is neutral
  • band-aids have come in standard white person color
    • crayon called it "flesh"
  • Dred Scott decision
  • Japanese internment
  • Asians are neutral in Asia
  • Africans are neutral in Africa
  • Hispanics are neutral in Hispanica
    • Ants are neutral in Antarctica
  • her personal background must be neutralize


  • brought to you by Prescott Pharmaceuticals
    • proud makers of truly generic drug
      • Drug, for treatment of disease
  • Diabetes
    • in England dogs are used to warn diabetes of changing blood levels
    • Prescott introduces Vaxa-Doodle
  • Side effects
    • beast infections
    • rosemary babies
  • Sports Medicine
    • exercising chocolate milk is just as good as sports drink
    • Prescott Sports Malt, contains: electrolytes, potassium, single malt scotch
    • milk in the form of Bailey's Irish Cream
  • side effects:
    • irritating bowel
    • chests pattern baldness
  • Pain Management
  • available only with a prescription
  • Side effectss:
    • rectal departure
    • strangulated narnia
  • you might have gone blin without taking our product


  • did not read his own articles
    • ignored the New York Times because it's all lies
  • big part of mortgage crisis has to do with emotion (quest for bliss) trumps money
  • blaming his foreclosure on love
  • he was offered a half million mortgage
    • took $400,000
  • was hoping his wife could make up the difference
  • easier to buy a house than rent an apartment
  • he has a huge debt


  • if you've had half as much fun watching as Sir Dr. Colbert had making it; he had two times as much fun and he wins!


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