The Colbert Report/Episode/585

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Production InfoEdit

Previous Episode
July 15, 2009
Production code:
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  • Smith and Loosen
  • Bum Rushkoff

Flag quote open clear2
Is this a wand in my pocket!? Or am I just happy to see the new Harry Potter movie!?
This is
The Colbert Report!
Flag quote close clear2
~ Stephen Colbert
July 15, 2009 The Colbert Report


  • combed his hair with his pen and filled in some of the thinner spots
  • Mark Sanford's fact finding trip to Argentina
    • found the fact that he was cheating on his wife
  • email exposed Fox, Washington Times and The Wall Street Journal
    • Olbermann mentioned Stephen's email
  • Stephen is angry that Olbermann
    • Stephen is no gentleman
  • Stephen offered Sanford a stroke job
  • junk buffing
  • slap a baby with a puppy
  • Bush gave billions of AIDS funding to African countries


  • Tip of the Hat, Wag of the Finger
  • Wag at Leon Panetta
    • revealing, then shutting down secret CIA program
  • Tip to Texas Board of Education
    • approved creation in science class
    • teach Christianity in History class
      • the fall of Saigon was Paul Lynde's fault!
  • Tip to Straight Penguins
    • Harry left Pepper for Linda
      • proves that it's not natural to be gay; it's natural to be bi


  • there is a war raging in America on guns
    • they have no way to defend themselves
  • New Jersians are limited to buying one gun per month!
    • Lautenberg proposed a bill to prevent terrorists from having guns
  • Ginsberg will have to give up her gatling gun
    • go back to killing with her hands
  • Tennessee made it legal to carry a gun into a bar
  • remembering a Difference Maker
    • Representative Doug Jackson
      • he's a hero to Dr. Colbert


  • he has a beef with corporations
    • he doesn't like that everything is thought of in corporate terms
  • a corporation published his book
    • and bring goo things to life!
  • they crowd out every other activity
  • making love is a drain on the GDP
    • when we don't spend, we hurt the economy
  • if everyone gets cancer, the GDP goes up
  • started in the Renaissance
    • as long as Stephen is crowned King
    • rich people started corporate charters
  • wants to go to pre-Renaissance period
  • our money is valueless
  • stop outsourcing our consumption to Wall Street, etc
  • consumptionism is buying things we don't want or need
  • Dr. Colbert makes money when he is sleeping, he has a web cam on [1]


  • Dr. Colbert reminds us that no man is a failure who has friens
    • unless his friends are failures


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