The Colbert Report/Episode/584

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Production InfoEdit

Previous Episode
July 14, 2009
Production code:
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  • Healthy, Wealthy and Whys
  • Raise High The Rage Beams
  • Liberian Girl

Flag quote open clear2
Tonight's the All-Star Game! But, don't let the exciting name fool you; it's still baseball!
This is
The Colbert Report!
Flag quote close clear2
~ Stephen Colbert
July 14, 2009 The Colbert Report


  • Dr. Colbert begins the show by telling The Heroes that ...
  • he slips off to sleep for a moment
    • the ovation is what he needs
  • he is drowsy from watching the Sotomayor confirmation hearing
    • like watching Ambient-colored paint dry
    • it put her family to sleep (dreaming of something more exciting, like Joe Biden filling ice cube trays)
  • the border fence is now called the Welcome Wall
    • you're welcome to go away
  • Dr. Colbert will help the Senators
  • how to ask tough questions while being culturally sensitive
  • she would use nunchuck sticks to attack Wences if he said anything culturally insensitive


  • Good news
    • Obama's healthcare plan is on its last legs
  • Blue Dog Democrats
    • lead uninsured to healthcare by a series of pay print clues
  • a 1% tax on households making over $300,000 is a job
  • Stephen's HMO won't cover his tentacle surgery

fold healthcare into a program we will support

  • Pentagon
    • budget covere with top-secret polymer that expands when it's cut
      • turn sick people into a weapons program
  • deficit
  • farm subsidies
    • designate poor as corn
    • genetically modify uninsured
  • if we want to make healthcare a priority, we'll have to make it one of our priorities

Salinger Come On The Report!Edit

  • it is well known that Dr. Colbert doesn't like books
    • books are an elaborate scheme to prop up the bookmark makers industry
  • Stephen's suggestion for the follow-up:
    • Catcher in the Rye 2: Rye Harder
  • Salinger's weakness: protecting his legacy
  • J.D. Stephenger
    • Prequel to Catcher
    • Pitcher in the Oat (100 pages of Mr. & Mrs. Caulfield doing it, after which Holden calls the placenta "phony")
    • Franny & Zoloft
    • A perfect Recipe For Banana Fish
  • J.D. California's other book


  • she organized women to end the civil war in Liberia
  • organized a sex strike
    • like Lysistrata
  • as the subject of a film, she is part of the Hollywood elite
    • she has the legitimacy to do what she is doing


  • Dr. Colbert came back from the break reading a copy of "Pitcher In The Oat" before proclaiming the show done for the evening an wishing The Heroes a good night!


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