The Colbert Report/Episode/583

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Previous Episode
July 13, 2009
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  • Chronicles of Sonia
  • Getting Vetted
  • Casting A Paul

Flag quote open clear2
A broken clock is right twice a day! So, go out and get yourself 720 clocks!
This is
The Colbert Report!
Flag quote close clear2
~ Stephen Colbert
July 13, 2009 The Colbert Report


  • Dr. Colbert joins His Mob in applauding his return from vacation
    • he totally gets it
  • he finds himself doing that many times in front of a full-length mirror
  • Stephen wonders
    • we lost a national treasure
      • the coverage of the coverage of the death of Michael Jackson

6/25/2009 - 7/12/2009

  • Stephen Remembers His Remembering
    • Stephen remembers his off-air episodes
  • his coverage will be missed


  • today is the first day of Sotomayor's confirmation hearing
  • Anthony Kennedy replace your heart with a roomba-stay on the court!
  • Robert Bork is a lab-grown man-goat

Stephen's Sound Advice

  • How To Bork A nominee
  1. Accuse Her of Bigotry (Sammy Davis Jr. was a double-agent)
  2. Leave No Dirt Undug
  3. Paint Her As Unqualified (children's books are not appropriate for college, but are fine for when your country is under attack)
  4. Make Her Weigh In On Roe v. Wade
  5. Get Sotomayor Pregnant


  • Dr. Colbert learned something this 4th of July
    • no matter how many bottle rockets you tape to your feet, you're not going to fly
  • Stephen filed 130,000 Vet benefit claims for each hair lost
  • what can vets expect services and support from the U.S. government
  • take advantage of the new GI Bill
  • keep veterans in the news
    • wear uniforms like Michael Jackson's


  • the crisis has been good for Krugman
    • he'd rather not have been right about some of these things
  • Stephen is conflicted
    • he brings the brick to Obama; Obama has dropped the ball
  • America is on the edge of a second depression
  • if penicillin doesn't work the first time, go back to leeches
  • the crisis of our lives
    • must be hit overwhelmingly
  • Goldman Sachs reported good numbers
  • things are getting worse, more slowly
  • people now in the White House are not stupid or crazy
  • his feeling is that we have an enormous crisis; we're ameliorating it
  • the great fear hasn't yet happened
  • Krugman has not hired one person, created on job or ran one business
    • he admits being a theoretician
  • the cheeriest thing he said was that we'll need to keep people who buried the bodies because at least they'll know where they're buried


  • Dr. Colbert announces that's it for The Report and wishes The Heroes goodnight!


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