The Colbert Report/Episode/581

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Production InfoEdit

Previous Episode
July 1, 2009
Production code:
Next Episode

The Check-InEdit

  • Dr. Colbert could barely hear His Jewish Friend because he was going through a tunnel
    • there is a souffle in the oven


  • The Robe Less Gaveled
  • Government Cheesed
  • Kristof v. Pissed Off

Flag quote open clear2
Today is Canada Day and I celebrated it like I always do: by not knowing it was Canada Day!
This is
The Colbert Report!
Flag quote close clear2
~ Stephen Colbert
July 1, 2009 The Colbert Report


  • Dr. Colbert's Mob started a chant of "Stephen! Stephen!"
    • he asked they stop
    • he feels like storming the castle
  • he is still reeling from Norm Coleman's loss to Al Franken
  • 10,000 and one lakes
    • Stephen made one out of his tears
  • Rush screamed it best
  • worst of all democrats killed the fillibuster
  • stalling Senators
  • the Chinese character for Al Franken is the same as the one for opportunity
    • liquor pig
  • last time something


  • Tip Cynthia Davis
    • hunger can be a positive motivator
      • without hunger how will children learn to push a lever with their snouts to receive a food pellet?
  • she has never risen above State Representative because she has never gone hungry
    • take her food away
  • (rare) Wag to FOX News
    • identified Mark Sanford as a democrat
  • also misidentified
    • Mark Foley
    • Hurricane Katrina
  • Sanford is the latest victim of The Clinton Curse
    • running over an old gypsy woman begins the curse!
  • if you say Larry Craig's name three times in an public bathroom, you will be arrested by airport police


  • the Supreme Court released their final decisions
    • next week Stephen is off to Bali
  • The New Haven Firefighter's case (realname?)
    • reverse racism
    • finally the white man's turn to be oppressed
  • Coeur Alaska v. Southeast Alaska Conservative(...?)
    • something about a gold mine and an old coot
    • Supremes sided with the gold mine!
  • gold waste is a glamorous way to die!
  • Safford School District v. Redding
  • Stephen proposes that students must go through the following before being allowed to enter a school:
  • metal detector
  • bag search
  • colostomy(sp?)
  • what other things might be in student's underwear:
    • Amelia Earhardt
    • WMDs
    • Sasquatch


  • Nicholas Kristof
    • New York Times columnist pollution causing genital mutations in frogs
  • too depressing for words
  • what's happening to frogs?
    • genitals
  • 100% of small mouth bass in Potomoc River are laying eggs
    • intersex fish
    • same thing with amphibians
  • the bright side is that there are still fish in the Potomoc River
  • penis deformation
  • the culprit
    • endocrine disruptors
  • pesticides, plastic softeners, etc.
  • 25% of U.S. women have dangerous levels that will cause their offspring to have deformed genitals
  • not a single chemical has been curbed by the EPA
  • not toxic waste, but toxic fill
  • water filtration systems do not clean up the birth control pills
    • Stephen is drinking lady pee
  • Congress might be able to pass a law to make them hold it
  • sewage treatment plants does not clean up the estrogen
  • Washington is full of both poo and pee


  • Dr. Colbert wants to remind The Heroes that there are only three more illegal fireworks shopping days until the 4th of July!


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