The Colbert Report/Episode/577

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Production InfoEdit

Previous Episode
June 24, 2009
Production code:
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  • Jonesin' for Jonas Bros.
  • Sporty Spite
  • Stuck In My Crawford

Flag quote open clear2
You snooze, you lose! Unless it's a sleeping contest!
This is
The Colbert Report!
Flag quote close clear2
~ Stephen Colbert
June 24, 2009 The Colbert Report

South Carolina's TroublesEdit

  • Stephen's Mob began chanting "Stephen! Stephen!"
  • the love we give him, hits him like a drug
    • making him high as a kite
  • late breaking news:
    • political bombshell!
  • Dr. Colbert discusses South Carolina, governor Mark Sanford
    • no one knew where he was!
  • Stephen didn't know Sanford was capable of doing something interesting
  • the pronoun "person" might mean tranny
  • Argentinian women are hot for middle-age white Episcopalians
  • Stephen blames himself
    • he should have seen it coming
  • there were some hints
    • Stephen showed outtakes of his Better Knowing
  • Stephen has sympathies for the Tango
    • after coming into contact with Governor Sanford it is now known as one of the dances in the world


  • buy yourself some peanuts and cracker jacks
    • Stephen's going to take you to his balls game
  • The Sport Report
  • Soccer
    • sport for fourth graders that foreigners take seriously
  • The US team beat Spain
    • we knew we were going to win
  • six members of the Iran national team wore green arm bands to
    • not the time to bring politics
  • Oakland Raiders logo clear sign of gay marriage
  • politics doesn't belong in sports, but religion does
  • Tennis
  • Wimbledon begins this week
  • charges surrounding match-fixing
    • Law & Order: Tennis Integrity Unit
  • when to know the match may be fix
    • judge is Vladimir Putin
    • player incinerated by space-based lasers
  • Bret Favre-retirement-watching!
  • Senior citizens should follow Favre's example
    • find company willing to hire unproductive senior citizen
      • Stephen suggests calling the Minnesota Vikings


  • neither wears a tie
  • people who don't with their hands aren't working
  • owns his own motorcycle repair shop
  • knowledge work v. manual labor
  • Stephen never reads instructions
  • some jobs are dumbed down
  • in one job he had, he produced crap
    • there was no check on the quality of his work
    • no external standard
  • he damaged knowledge itself
    • took it down from the inside
  • mechanic
  • electrician
  • plumber
  • no diesel mechanic classes at the universities he attended
  • pernicious means bad
  • his PhD was in political philosophy


  • Dr. Colbert declares that ...
    • latitude 37.18
    • and longitude -102.656
      • is the winning coordinates for The Colbert Report's Random GPS Lottery!
  • send a photo of yourself geotagged at those coordinates and win a prize
    • photo of Dr. Colbert at an other set of coordinates!


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